What We Lose When We Love Unequally: The Failing Math Of Emotional Labour

“To return to love, to get the love we always wanted but never had, to have the love we want but are not prepared to give, we seek romantic relationships. We believe these relationships, more than any other, will rescue and redeem us. True love does have the power to redeem but only if we are ready for redemption. Love saves us only if we want to be saved.” ~bell hooks

When my first break-up happened, I was on the cusp of completing the third year of my undergraduate degree and starting my master’s degree. What was the reason, you might be wondering? As a reader, naturally, you deserve to know. 

So here it is. I was too loud, opinionated, and didn’t maintain myself well enough because–god knows why–I had to be so engrossed in reading books and topping every subject and every class I took. Sounds obnoxious, right? Well, not really, because every time he started a fight or a conversation about me not being good enough or comparing me with another woman who was “objectively prettier” than me, I grew more and more underconfident and withdrew myself into a cocoon. I started doubting every word I said, every line I wrote, and every perfect score I got. Absolutely nothing felt enough. 

The Failing Math Of Emotional Labour

I, just like most other Indian women, was subjected to manipulation and gaslighting in the name of love. This, unfortunately, is the reality of most Indian women even in the day and age of the 21st century, where we claim to have become modern and where, on the surface, most people appear to be feminists.

There is no longer any doubt that gender influences our roles and behaviours in romantic relationships. What might come off as seemingly harmless statements in romantic conversations can sometimes reinforce gendered inequalities in relationships if we do not actively unlearn these biases. For instance, when discussing and advocating for gender equality, we tend to focus more on professional opportunities than interpersonal dynamics.

As a woman, the kind of partner you have in life can make a difference in your career. We have taught our girls to be empowered, but we have forgotten to teach our sons how to treat and maintain relationships with strong women. This brings me to the fact that most often, for successful and strong women, it becomes a situation of either or. More often than not, women are made to choose between their careers and their family lives. Far too many ambitious women have given up their dreams, their hopes, and their passions to keep relationships alive and families together.

The result? Women quit the workforce, and not enough women are represented in boardrooms despite everyone talking about gender equality and gender rights. 

World Bank data suggests that women represent only 16.4% of senior and middle management employees. The female share of employment in senior and middle management in India falls in the lowest quintile for all countries for which the World Bank has data. Only 14.4% of seats in the national parliament were held by women in 2020.

Sima Bahous, UN Women Executive Director, said, “This is a tipping point for women's rights and gender equality as we approach the halfway mark to 2030. It is critical that we rally now to invest in women and girls to reclaim and accelerate progress. The data show undeniable regressions in their lives made worse by the global crises -- in incomes, safety, education and health. The longer we take to reverse this trend, the more it will cost us all.'

There are several stereotypical obstacles that women must overcome to get into top positions. They may also be hindered by problems that disproportionately impact women, such as maternity leave or childcare obligations. Unconscious prejudice exists in favour of appointing males for top roles, which frequently results in fewer opportunities for women. And amidst all of this, not having a supportive partner can only make it worse for a woman trying to build her relationship while simultaneously juggling all the prejudices at work and in life. 

This brings us to our next point, which is the additional burden of unpaid care and household work. As per the 2024 time use survey in India, women spend 289 minutes a day on unpaid domestic services while men spend 88 minutes, which equates to 16.4% of their time for women and 1.7% for men. 

An interesting read in this context is a book called All About Love by bell hooks. This isn’t just a book on love or the absence of it. It is much more than that. Some of the chapters in this book teach some valuable lessons on feminism and the day-to-day compromises that women often make to sustain their relationships.

The book shows the eye-opening truth of how even if a woman is ambitious and successful, the need to seek validation in a romantic relationship can lead them to sacrifice even their career or cut down on their ambitions to sustain their loved ones’ ambitions. However, the same effort is not given by men. It is worth noting what bell hooks says about men in this context, “Women are often belittled for trying to resurrect these men and bring them back to life and to love. They are in a world that would be even more alienated and violent if caring women did not do the work of teaching men who have lost touch with themselves how to love again. This labour of love is futile only when the men in question refuse to awaken, refuse growth. At this point, it is a gesture of self-love for women to break their commitment and move on.”

You cannot eliminate gendered connotations even in romantic relationships. For instance, whenever a man in a relationship says that he supports women's rights and the fight for gender equality, we tend to put such a man on a pedestal and we tend to see that as something that needs to be celebrated and given special attention whereas it is just the bare minimum or the basic human decency of supporting women's rights and being a feminist. 

Love and relationships, at the end of the day, are not separate from your ideologies and beliefs. Finding love while fighting for gender equality also means keeping in mind the fact that your ask for equitable treatment and equal say does not vanish when you are in a relationship or dating someone. After all, bell hooks herself says, “All too often women believe it is a sign of commitment, an expression of love, to endure unkindness or cruelty, to forgive and forget. In actuality, when we love rightly, we know that the healthy, loving response to cruelty and abuse is putting ourselves out of harm's way.”

It is a book that shows the eye-opening truth of how even if a woman is ambitious and successful, the need to seek validation in a romantic relationship can lead them to sacrifice even their career or cut down on their ambitions to sustain their loved ones’ ambitions. It is a book that teaches you how this is not the right way to love someone or seek love, either. 

It is a book that shows that you cannot get rid of gendered connotations even in your romantic relationships, and you need to be cognizant of the fact that at the end of the day, there’s only so much you can pour out of your cup. People also need to meet you halfway, and you cannot always be the one crossing oceans for them.

But why am I suddenly talking about bell hooks in this essay about love, you ask?

That’s because she believed that love is not independent of your ideologies, political inclinations, and the ideas that you hold about life. Love is not a feeling that exists in isolation, it doesn’t exist in separation from your beliefs. Yes, Love is personal, but as they say, PERSONAL IS POLITICAL. That’s exactly what bell hooks beautifully describes in this book, and that’s exactly what I resonate with as well.

Love is not what your ex told you it is. Love is not about men knowing the feminist theories and quoting Marx to you. Love is when these same men stand with you when you call out their friends for sexism. Love is when these same men hold your hands as tightly as they did on the first day they professed their love to you when you walk up to the stage to accept your award. 

Love is basically “Everything Everywhere All At Once” and cannot be separated from our own identities and beliefs. To love truly is to love equally. 

Ishita Bagchi is a published author, gender rights advocate, and public policy consultant. She navigates the realms of Gender, Economics, and Public Policy through her newsletter and blog, "The Wannabe Economist". This article is a part of our ongoing series Dissent Dispatch, in collaboration with Usawa Literary Review.