Does A Friend's Wedding Make You Anxious? Time To Question How You Understand Marriage

Does a friend's wedding make you anxious? In the last few days, my feeds have been full of pictures of my friends getting engaged or married. Messages are congratulating them, appreciating their lehengas and wishing them good luck.

But I am just not able to make peace with the oddity, fear and anxiety that these pictures induce in my mind. An oddity that demands answers to questions like was it her choice to get married early? Or was it enforced? A fear that what if I am forced to be the next in line too? And anxiety induced by the very thought of whether I am strong enough to resist or will I give in?

Why Are Girls Conditioned To Understand Marriage As Enforcement?

I am sure I am not alone in this sense of fear and anxiety. A friend’s wedding can be a fun affair. And maybe it is for many of us. But the question is for those like us who have been conditioned to understand marriage in terms of enforcement and oppression. For those who are forced to see every marriage as a reminder of the fact that maybe they are next in the line to be suppressed by a system of authority and power relations that marriage embodies.

Why are women brought up with a sense of submission when it comes to marriage? Why even today many families consider &t=1152s">marriage as a goalpost that women should achieve as soon as possible? Why can’t marriage be about love, understanding, choices and equality? Why should it be the only source of security for women?

On one hand, I have seen couples who are happy at their weddings and excited to begin a new chapter. And that, at times pushes me to make the effort to believe that marriages can be happy, equal and loving. But then, my conditioning pulls me back and makes me question the bright smile of the bride. Is that smile a symbol of genuine happiness or a toxic internalisation?

I am writing from the background of having witnessed these smiles over scars of the night of domestic violence. I have seen women who have internalised many regressive rituals and ideas about marriage and are still okay with it. So where is the fault? Is it in women who normalise inequality and violence in marriage? Or their conditioning that forces them to do so?

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Why Are Apprehension And Sadness Made Synonymous With Marriage?

The fear and anxiety are not limited to empathetic outsiders like us alone. Most brides see fear and anxiety as a part of their marriage. Not because they have to start a new chapter of life whose contents have been written by them. But because marriage for them has been defined in terms of unequal compromises, changes and enforcements.

They are afraid of not being able to meet the expectations that in-laws have from daughters-in-law; they are afraid of the changes that women are forced to undergo after marriage (changing surname, name and address); they are afraid of the oppression that has been normalised as the “wear and tear” of marriage and they are afraid of the silence that marriage enforces on many women. Shouldn't marriage be about happiness? Then why does it demand apprehension and sadness from women?

Before you criticise me for being overdramatic or overtly negative, let me make clear that I do not intend to devalue the entire concept of marriage. I am questioning the way women are conditioned to understand marriage. I am questioning the mindset that normalises power relations in marriage and expects women to adjust and live in apprehension.

Time To Question How We Understand Marriage

It is about time now that we question how we introduce the concept of marriage to girls and boys. It should not be defined as a necessity, but a choice that a person, irrespective of gender, is free to make. Regressive customs should be removed from Indian weddings and ideas of equality, love and understanding should be instilled.

Longevity, gendered sacrifices, caste, religion and sacredness should no longer define the outlines of marriage. If marriage is about happiness, women should have the right to choose the terms of it. Once we normalise this, maybe tomorrow, women like me won’t feel apprehensive and conflicted when they come across the idea of happy marriage.

They would appreciate it as a possibility and a choice. And would revel in their friends’ weddings and their own because they will genuinely be about happiness and excitement with no hidden fear of the opposite.

Views expressed are the author's own. 

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