Faking orgasms: Remember one of the opening montages from Sex Education 3, when Dex and his partner are done having sex and he asks her whether she orgasmed and she replies no. Then he asks for ‘sex king’ advice on the issue, who misguides and suggests him to measure the size of his penis.
According to Dr Lee, this case of hurting a man’s masculinity, in case your partner is a man, leads many women to not tell their partner, ‘no, I did not orgasm’.
But this is just one of the reasons why women choose to fake an orgasm. Should women fake orgasms? Dr Martha Tara Lee, a relationship counsellor and clinical sexologist speaks to SheThePeople on this much debatable issue.
In a video for SheThePeople, which you can find below, Lee talks about orgasm and answers the much-asked question of whether or not should women fake orgasm? But first, why do people fake them?
“Picture this. A lot of us tend to fake orgasms because we are tired, we have had enough, we are sore from the friction and we are now going into pain and want to get over and done with it. However, the partner is unlikely to stop unless we have an orgasm,” says Dr Lee.
Lee says sometimes people fake them because of the fear of their partner’s reaction to it. During sexual intercourse, both partners are in a vulnerable space and the want to please the other one remains high. In that situation faking an orgasm can also be a “very people pleaser’s way of keeping the peace”.
According to her, sometimes the partner may not understand what we want and keep doing it till we orgasm and when it does not happen, blame us, scold us and shame us for the same. The problem here is, orgasm is seen as the last thing to do for completing a sexual activity. But it need not be says Dr Lee.
Do not keep asking your partner “did you come?” because many times it builds pressure and the woman end up faking it to satisfy the other person.
Women also blame themselves for not being able to make an orgasm happen for their partner. “It is very much tied with their ego and sense of (if you’re a partner with man) then with a sense of masculinity. And so this gives us pressure to feel we need to fake an orgasm,” says Dr Lee.
Why should not women fake orgasm?
According to Dr Lee, when you are faking an orgasm for these reasons or being afraid of your partner, there may be other issues to deal with, such as, the way that you guys are communicating, such as this expectation that your partner has, the pressure that your partner is giving you forcing you to have an orgasm that is not pleasurable and that is not fun, in fact, it is bothering on manipulation and even abuse. You really need to be able to tell your partner that this is actually not a sign of a happy relationship and perhaps you need to talk about how making and falling are causing you to not have sex even more. Talking about it can help.
“However, what if you try your best, you fake it, you make all the sounds, the motions, you squeeze pelvic floor muscles and you still can’t have an orgasm, then you keep tricking your body and keep lying to yourself and your partner that you are having an orgasm,” says Dr Lee.
The second reason given by Dr Lee is that faking it can lead to shutting down of body and lead to a low sex drive, no sex drive or lack of arousal.
Do you think this will help the relationship? Or is it better to talk about it with your partner? It is not healthy to feel this pressure to orgasm every time you and your partner or partners decide to have sex.
Another reason for fake orgasms, which happens to 65 percent of women according to Feminism In India, is a theory called emotion work by Hochschild, which is to suppress one’s feelings and make them look appropriate to the situation.
This theory gives women faking two reasons why they do it: Firstly, they might be new to sex and to fit in the popular idea of sex, they might end up faking it, which might be due to low self-esteem or lack of knowledge about their own body. The second might be the ones explained by Dr Lee that one may fake an orgasm to not offend the other person or their masculine ego (if in a heterosexual relationship).
Orgasms become ‘so’ important in the entire journey of sex because that is the ultimate stamp on their masculinity and their love. Lee says this needn’t be the case though.
In Case You Are Faking It…
“It is very important to talk to your partner and when necessary, go to a counsellor, to have the counsellor facilitate this as one of the discussion topics because I am very sure that if this is coming up then the other things going on in the relationship that also needs addressing besides the pressurising you to have an orgasm,” suggests Dr Lee.