The Mother I Was vs. The Mother I Am: A Decade Of Parenting Lessons

"Raising Two, Growing Too" explores the beautiful chaos of parenting kids with an age gap. This column dives into the unique joys, challenges, and life lessons that come with nurturing siblings at different stages of life. Whether you’re a seasoned parent or just starting this journey, this space is for celebrating the everyday triumphs and transformative moments of motherhood.

Parenting is a journey of constant growth and transformation. It is shaped not only by the needs of our children but also by our own personal evolution. When I look back at my journey, I see a stark contrast between the mother I was at 32 and the mother I am at 42. My parenting style is a direct reflection of my age, experiences, and personal growth over the years. 

At 32, I was still in the early stages of my career, ambitious, driven, and figuring out my place in the world. I had my first daughter during a time when I was juggling personal aspirations, career growth, and motherhood all at once. Like many first-time mothers, I absorbed every piece of advice, read countless parenting books, and second-guessed my decisions. I felt the weight of responsibility heavily, always wondering if I was making the right choices.

Back then, I also had a very specific vision of the kind of mother I wanted to be. I thought I would be my daughter’s best friend, her confidante, her go-to person for everything.

I prioritised being friendly and approachable, creating an open and relaxed dynamic between us. I didn’t want there to be a strict mother-daughter divide; I wanted her to see me as someone she could always turn to without hesitation. But as she grew older, I realized that while being a safe and supportive presence in her life was important, my role wasn’t to be her best friend, it was to be her mother.

Slowly, I shifted from trying to be the fun, always-approachable mom to embracing my role as a guide, a protector, and a parent who set boundaries when needed. I saw the value in structure and in being a source of discipline rather than just a buddy.

Fast forward to my 40s, and this shift has been even more pronounced with my second child. From the start, I have approached motherhood differently  - not with the intention of being her best friend, but as her safe space, her home, her constant. For my older one, I am still her confidante, the one she will turn to when she needs comfort, reassurance, or support. But I am also her mother. I provide love and warmth, but I also provide structure and guidance. There is no internal debate about whether I should lean more toward being a friend or a parent.

Second-Time Motherhood, A Different Approach

I know where I stand, and I am at peace with it. This change in perspective is a reflection of how much I have grown as a person over the years. I am more settled in my career, more self-assured, and more accepting of who I am, not just as a mother, but as an individual. And with that growth has come a new understanding of what parenting really means. I’ll be honest and this might not be met with a lot of love, but I didn’t necessarily enjoy parenting in my early 30s. More importantly, I don’t think I truly understood what parenting meant back then.

I knew I loved my child, but I didn’t fully grasp the depth of responsibility that came with raising a human being. It felt like something I was learning as I went, trying to do my best but often feeling overwhelmed. 

Now, in my 40s, I see parenting differently. I recently came across something that deeply resonated with me: If you start taking parenting as a job and if you understand the KRA’s well, you will start thinking about it very differently. That thought stuck with me. As cliché as this sounds, parenting is not just about raising children; it’s about shaping the future. The children we raise today will become the adults who shape the world tomorrow. It’s a responsibility, one that goes beyond feeding, clothing, and educating them. It’s about instilling values, guiding them toward kindness and resilience, and preparing them for a life that is uniquely theirs.

This realization has influenced how I respond to challenges. When I was younger, I was quicker to react. I would get frustrated more easily, thinking that I needed to correct every little behavior immediately. Now, I am much more composed. I pick my battles wisely and understand that children, just like adults, have their ups and downs. I no longer feel the pressure to have everything under control at all times.

Body, Mind, and Motherhood

Physically, I also see a difference. At 32, I was still adjusting to my postpartum body, often feeling pressured by societal expectations. Now, at 42, I have a deeper sense of self-acceptance. I understand that my body has done something incredible. Twice. And I embrace it for what it is. This self-acceptance has also influenced how I want to raise my children. I want them to grow up with confidence, knowing that their worth isn’t tied to appearances. Motherhood in my 40s has also given me a new perspective on time.

When I had my first, I often felt like I was racing against time,  trying to do everything at once. Now, I realize that childhood is fleeting( thanks to how quickly the last 10 years have flown by) and I don’t want to spend it stressing over things that won’t matter in the long run. The biggest lesson I have learned over the years is that parenting isn’t about being perfect; it’s about being present.

My younger self thought that being a good mom meant having all the answers. My older self knows that it’s okay not to have everything figured out.  Looking at both of my children, I see how my evolution as a mother has shaped my relationship with them. My first daughter experienced a version of me that was still learning, still striving, still figuring it all out. My second child is growing up with a mother who is more at peace with herself, more confident in her choices. 

As I continue this journey, I know that my parenting style will keep evolving. Each stage of my children’s lives will bring new challenges, new joys, and new lessons. But one thing remains constant, motherhood is a journey of love, growth, and transformation and will always be unique to me.

Ankita Dhupia, a corporate professional, content creator, and 44-year-old mom of two loves sharing her journey of motherhood and finds joy in expressing herself through writing. Views expressed by the author are their own.