No Perfect Milestones: Embracing The Messy Beauty Of Motherhood

"Raising Two, Growing Too" explores the beautiful chaos of parenting kids with an age gap. This column dives into the unique joys, challenges, and life lessons that come with nurturing siblings at different stages of life. Whether you’re a seasoned parent or just starting this journey, this space is for celebrating the everyday triumphs and transformative moments of motherhood.

As I reflect on my experiences as a mother to my two children, one born when I was 32 and the other at 42, I’ve come to realise that many aspects of this journey are left unsaid. It’s not all about glowing moments or picture-perfect milestones. Motherhood is messy, beautiful, and deeply personal. Here’s what they don’t often tell you about this transformative experience. 

Breastfeeding: A Journey, Not a Given

Breastfeeding is often portrayed as the most natural thing in the world, but for many mothers, it’s anything but easy. With my first baby, I struggled. I couldn’t continue breastfeeding beyond six months, and at the time, I felt like I had failed. Looking back, I realise I didn’t have the experience, guidance, or patience to push through the initial difficulties. It takes time for both mother and baby to adjust to this new process.

This time, with my second baby, it was different. Although I faced challenges again in the early days, I was better prepared and more determined. I allowed myself the time to adapt, and now, at 16 months, I’m still breastfeeding. The difference wasn’t just experience; it was also my mindset.

I wish I had known the first time around that breastfeeding doesn’t have to be perfect from the start, and that it’s okay to ask for help and take things one day at a time. 

Postpartum Weight Loss: Slow and Steady Wins the Race

One of the biggest myths about motherhood is that breastfeeding will magically melt away the baby weight. Let me tell you, it doesn’t. In fact, for many women, breastfeeding can lead to increased hunger, which means you have to be even more conscious about eating healthily, not just for yourself, but also for your baby. As a first-time mom in my 30s, I was in a rush to lose weight. I was determined to get back to my pre-pregnancy self, and by my daughter’s first birthday, I had done it. But looking back, I can see how much pressure I put on myself, and how unnecessary it was.

This time, in my 40s, my approach has been entirely different. Weight loss naturally slows down with age, and I’ve embraced a more mindful and long-term approach. At 16 months postpartum, I’m still a work in progress and I’m okay with that. My focus is on staying healthy and fit, rather than trying to meet some arbitrary timeline. Motherhood teaches you patience, and that applies to your own body as well. 

Bonding With Your Baby: It’s Okay If It Takes Time

One of the most surprising aspects of motherhood for me was realising that the bond with your baby isn’t always instant. With my first daughter, I didn’t feel that overwhelming wave of love and connection that everyone talks about. Instead, it took weeks, maybe even months for me to truly feel like a mother. At the time, I felt guilty and wondered if something was wrong with me.

When my second baby was born, the experience was completely different. The moment she was placed in my arms in the operating room, I felt that instant connection. I can’t explain why it was different the second time around. Maybe it was experience, or perhaps just the uniqueness of each journey. But what I’ve learned is that there’s no “right” way to feel. Motherhood is a process, and the bond with your baby will grow in its own time. 

The Unspoken Truths

No one tells you how much time you’ll spend questioning yourself.

Am I doing this right? 

Should I be doing more?

Or how much you’ll learn to trust your instincts over time. No one tells you how motherhood can change you, not just in obvious ways, but in the quiet moments when you realize how much you’ve grown. No one tells you that it’s okay to let go of perfection. There will be days when you feel like you’re failing, when you can’t breastfeed as long as you wanted, when you’re struggling to fit into your old jeans, or when you don’t feel the instant connection with your baby. But those moments don’t define your journey.

What I’ve come to realize is that motherhood isn’t about ticking boxes or meeting expectations. It’s about showing up every day, learning as you go, and giving yourself grace. It’s about understanding that every mother’s journey is unique, and there’s no one-size-fits-all approach.

My Advice to First-Time Moms

If I could give one piece of advice to first-time moms, it would be this: Be kind to yourself. Motherhood is a steep learning curve, and it’s okay if you don’t have all the answers right away. Remember that motherhood is not a competition. It’s not about how quickly you bounce back, how long you breastfeed, or how soon you feel like a “real” mom. It’s about the love you give, the lessons you learn, and the memories you create along the way.

Motherhood, like life, is a journey and it’s okay if yours looks different from someone else’s. As I navigate this journey for the second time, I’ve learned to embrace the imperfections, celebrate the small wins, and cherish the moments that make it all worthwhile. 

So, to all the first-time moms out there: You’ve got this. One day at a time, one step at a time, you’re doing better than you think. And that’s something no one needs to tell you.

You’ll feel it in your heart.

Ankita Dhupia, a corporate professional, content creator, and 44-year-old mom of two loves sharing her journey of motherhood and finds joy in expressing herself through writing. Views expressed by the author are their own.