How To Tell If A Friendship Nourishes You Or Drains Your Light? Psychologist Decodes

Did you catch up with lifelong childhood friends or raise a toast with work buddies this Friendships Day? We love our friends. We lean on them. Sometimes, we question some friendships silently. A friend’s name flashes on your screen, and your body tenses. You pause. You rehearse your tone. You respond with a heart emoji. But that micro-moment of hesitation is the wisdom of your nervous system whispering: This connection doesn’t feel safe anymore.

More than toxicity, you feel it’s just not soul-safe. The unwritten rules of friendship seem more binding. 'Dosti mein sab chalta hai.' Friendships are not supposed to feel uncomfortable. But, sometimes, they do.

Why Do We Stay in Unsafe Friendships?

Because shrinking feels easier than speaking. We were taught that discomfort is part of being “nice.” We’ve played a role in this friendship for so long, it feels like betrayal to adapt to a newer way of being friends.

Maybe we worry we’re being too sensitive, but healing makes us more sensitive, in a wise way. You stop tolerating the sharp edges that once felt normal. You notice the power dynamics you once laughed off. You feel the ache in your chest after a call that seemed “fine.”

What Is Soul-Safety in Friendship?

A soul-safe friendship doesn’t demand perfection. It holds space for your evolution, your silence, and your truth, however messy. Let’s break it down through the Expression lens of three realms.

1. Outer Realm – People, Places, Situations

• This realm reflects the energy of the field you’re in. When a friendship is soul-safe here:
• You don’t feel like you’re performing.
• You don’t have to monitor moods or ‘manage’ the space.
• Your body doesn’t go into subtle bracing or fawning.
• There’s no adrenaline spike, no “walking on eggshells” vibe.
• You feel physically and energetically at ease.

2. Inner Realm – Body, Breath, Mind, Ego, Intellect, Memory

This realm tracks your inner landscape—how your systems respond around them. When soul-safety exists here:

• You don’t rehearse or overthink before and after.
• Your breath stays soft. Your gut unclenches.
• You don’t shrink to be palatable or digestible.
• You can be authentic, even messy—without fearing disconnection.
• You can pause, be quiet, be real.

3. Spiritual Realm – Values, Purpose, Intuition

This realm honours the soul's alignment—the deeper resonance. Soul-safety here feels like:

• You’re not editing your joy or softening your grief.
• Your purpose isn’t mocked, belittled, or questioned.
• Your intuition is welcomed, not dismissed.
• You don’t leave the connection questioning your worth or path.
• You feel met—deeply, authentically.

How to Know If a Friendship Isn’t Soul-Safe

Sometimes, the danger isn't drama. It’s the slow erosion of who you are. Here are subtle but telling red flags:

• You leave more tired than nourished.
• Boundaries are ignored or met with guilt-tripping.
• You dim your joy or growth to keep the peace.
• You feel stuck as an old version of yourself.
• You’re constantly bracing—before, during, or after.

What does soul-safety feel like?

Your body softens. Your nervous system exhales. You’re not editing yourself in real-time. In soul-safe spaces, you feel

• Celebrated and heard without needing to perform.
• Held, not handled.
• Safe to be silent. 
• Met where you are—not where they need you to stay.

Soul-safe friendships nurture your longing to live from wholeness. They honour who you’re becoming. You soften. You exhale.

Letting Go Isn’t Betrayal. It’s Honouring Change.

Sometimes, letting go doesn’t mean rejection. It means releasing a connection that no longer feels right.

You’re not wrong for needing more safety. You’re not disloyal for wanting depth. You’re not “too much” for growing. Some friendships were warm once. But now, they tug at your spirit in all the wrong places. It’s okay to love someone and still choose distance. It’s okay to grieve what was good—while gently saying no to what no longer feels right.

A Gentle Invitation to Reflect

You don’t need to ghost anyone. Or make a big, dramatic exit. You can simply start by asking yourself: 

• Who lets me feel most like myself?
• Which friendships feel nourishing—not draining?
• What am I still holding onto out of loyalty… that my soul has already released?

You don’t need a crisis to outgrow a connection. Let your body be the compass. Let your longing lead. Try this today: Take 10 quiet minutes today and journal on this: “What would my friendships look like if they were rooted in nourishment, not nostalgia?”

Allow yourself to crave more than closeness. Allow yourself to crave clarity, safety, and soul. Embrace what you actually need. A soul-safe friend who loves, honours and grows with you. 

Authored by Saiyami Juvekar, a psychologist on a mission to empower people to heal, nurture and transform to awaken their free, true, joyful selves. | Views expressed by the author are their own.