Personal Stories: I pretended to be a tomboy because I was fat

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When I was a teenager, most of my friends had boyfriends. I didn’t. If I am to be honest, I desperately wanted one but of course, nobody dates a fat girl was the ‘trend’. I didn’t want a forever kind of love, I wanted somebody who would hold my hand, give me his watch, passed me chits during class, gave me his blazer when I was cold (sadly which wouldn’t fit me). Deep down I thought, somehow having a boyfriend would make my life so much better, happier and probably I would see some value in me.
I didn’t love my body. At an age when people explore their sexuality, I would avoid even touching myself altogether. It didn’t feel good. The thought that no guy would ever touch me was so daunting. I honestly thought I would die alone. If at all some guy showed interest in me, it was for an ulterior motive. So that I could do their homework, lend them some money, or something totally stupid. I can actually laugh over this now, back then, it would make me cry.
So, even though I was a typical girl who desired her fairy tale, I pretended to be a person who is extremely tom-boyish and is your ‘GO TO BRO’. That seemed like a great way to ensure nobody made fun of me being fat and also in the process also make some ‘boy’ friends.
My friends would spank me in the ass with their notebooks, or put their arms around me, and I would totally pretend to be this other person who was OKAY with whatever was happening.
Things changed over a period of time. I stopped looking for a boyfriend. Slowly I started buying clothes that I actually felt good in. I started applying makeup because I enjoyed it. I started wearing heels. Honestly, I don’t even know when, where and how. Actually, I think I do. It was when I got my eyebrows and upper lips for the first time  😀 and when I started wearing confidence on my sleeves.
Jokes aside, self-love didn’t happen overnight. It happened one day at a time. It happened every time I took a little step to make myself feel good. It happened when I made a choice despite it being difficult because it made me happy.
I began to  love myself enough to let people love me for who I was. I started taking care of my health, both physical & mental. I learnt how to be happy. And good things started to happen. And now I can definitely say, you will find someone who will fall in love with you because of who you are, because of your lame jokes and your crazy ambitions or because you are the smartest girl he has met. And when you find him, you will know it. Because you wouldn’t have to pretend. You will be whoever the hell you would want to be and he will love every bit of it. And I say this from a point of first-hand experience. [Picture credit : NYT]

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