Can Mama's Boys Be Good Husbands?

Can mama’s boys be good husbands? I think before answering this question, we need to look deep into what exactly the term "mama’s boy" means? The first thing that comes to mind is that a mama’s boy is a grown-up man who is dependent on his mother for every single thing- from finding socks to a wife. Often moms of these men are controlling, interfering and tend to treat their sons as toddlers who are not capable of growing up and fending for themselves.

Of course, such men would want a wife who acts as a second mommy, not an equal partner. They expect their wives to embrace virtues like sacrifice and constant caring without batting an eyelid. While for mothers, their daughters-in-law will be a rival who pulls their sons away from them.

But then, is this the only definition of mama’s boy or are we slipping into gender stereotypes that patriarchy has set up? Is it not possible that a man raised by a feminist mom can be a feminist husband? Well, I think, a mama’s boy can be a good husband if his upbringing and thoughts break the patriarchal conventions.

Mama's Boys : As a woman do you get annoyed with them? Do they make fussy husbands?

Remember the saying, “Like father, like son”? Mama’s boys are often labelled as sissy, effeminate or weak. Being close to one's mother is associated with inheriting femininity, fragility and emotions which are considered to be a mark of shame by society. But isn’t that a reflection of patriarchy’s stereotypes about masculinity and femininity? Is a man who embraces his emotions, or inherits empathy and sense of care from his mother any less "manly"? Besides, why does society get the agency to pass a verdict on any person, based on their gender?

Can Mama's Boys Be Good Husbands?

The idea that a mama’s boy will be completely dependent on his mother is rooted in gender roles defined by patriarchy and perpetuated in families. Sons are never expected to do any housework, not even washing their own clothes while it will be fine if daughters do those chores (will a mama's girl be allowed to be dependent on her mom?). In other words, the mama’s boy is by default the Raja Beta who is irresponsible lives off the hard work of women in his life without ever recognising their support and thinks of himself as the centre of their universe.

While it is true that such men do exist, it is equally correct that men who are closer to their moms have the potential of holding a more evolved gaze at women and issues that affect them. When a boy sees his mother single-handedly perform all the chores at home, he can either see it as her duty or unfair distribution of household work. He can either end up dumping his own chores on his mother, or her can turn into her helper who believes that his gender doesn't bestow him any privilege to tap out of duties like sweeping, dusting, cleaning utensils, cooking etc.

So how does a raja beta become a potential feminist husband?

The Solution

The key lies in how boys are brought up and mind you, the onus of it doesn't just fall on their mummies. It is perfectly fine for a man to be attached to his mother. But his upbringing should break the conventions of patriarchal gender roles in order to be a man who respects women and their agency. Who doesn't expect his wife to fill in for his mother, or selflessly care for him.

In fact, it is more likely for men who are attached to their mothers to understand and be empathetic towards gender inequality because they witness it closely in their mothers' lives.

Every son should be taught to do his chores, respect women/wives, understand their lives as an individual and believe in equality in every aspect of life, including marriage. A mother can make her son understand the struggles a woman has to face in society and within her family, due to her gender. She can make him see the unfairness of it by expressing her own views and emotions. And then she can also encourage him to challenge these norms that have affected her life, to be a better ally to other women in his life.

In fact, it is more likely for men who are attached to their mothers to understand and be empathetic towards gender inequality because they witness it closely in their mothers' lives. And this is also why men should step up and be the harbinger of change in their families even if their mothers aren't feminists. It is quite normal now to be raised in a patriarchal family and yet be a feminist.

So, rather than considering mama's boys as an inherently negative idea, there is a need to change the way boys are raised. Mama's boys can be good husbands only if they are feminist men raised by feminist mothers.