Why Being Called “Wife Material” Never Felt Like A Compliment

One day, you will be a wonderful wife. The remark was intended to be complimentary. I recall halting for a second, holding the plate, unsure of whether to laugh or wince. Perhaps you have also been hailed as "wife material" for a small act of kindness or household prowess. However, I had a knot of unease as the words took hold. Why did being referred to as "wife material" make me feel like I was being reduced to a recipe, a list of components that someone else thought would make a good wife? That night, I shrugged it off, but the uneasiness persisted. I found myself repeating that line to myself often in the days that followed. 

Shouldn't it be a positive thing? It indicates that you are responsible, devoted, and loving—qualities that a "good woman" ought to possess. However, I couldn't get rid of the feeling that those two words were a gentle warning to stay in my lane and a pat on the head. It felt more like an assessment of my value to a prospective husband than it did a commendation of my character. As though my value could be determined by how well I conform to a predetermined ideal of the ideal wife.

Unspoken Expectations in "Compliments"

My realisation that "you're wife material" contains a full baggage of patriarchal expectations grew as I gave it more thought. What exactly does it mean to be "wife material"? According to traditional society, it frequently comes down to a list of characteristics a woman must possess to be deemed a good lifelong companion. For example, a lady who is considered "wife material" may be required to:

• Cook like a chef and keep your house immaculate. 

• Be patient, kind, and never overly judgmental. She shouldn't argue with her boyfriend; instead, she should encourage him.

• Have a decent history. You run the danger of losing your "good girl" badge if you are very experienced or publicly display your sexuality.

• Prioritise everyone else. Her family's needs should always come before her own goals, profession, and desires.

• Always present yourself well. To avoid drawing criticism, be appealing without being overly sexy. The ideal wife is refined but never confrontational.

What about ladies who don't conform to that stereotype? We are all familiar with the rumours that circulate: "She's not wife material," which refers to a lady who may express her opinions too freely or lacks a domestic bone. Maybe she doesn't emphasise marriage at all, or maybe she's concentrating on her profession or parties. In such instances, the harsh light of criticism transforms the very characteristics that make her colourful and unique into defects. She doesn't qualify for the desired wife category because she is too independent, too outspoken, or something.

Men, meanwhile, are rarely subjected to this level of scrutiny. No one says a man is unable to be a spouse because he is focused on his profession, stays out late with friends, or simply doesn't know how to cook or clean. (In any case, how recently have you heard "husband material" in casual conversation?) There is a clear double standard. Men get to be adored "just the way they are," while we women are supposed to bend and twist to fit these expectations.

Unlocking the "Wife Material" Crate

After a while, I realised why I was so offended by the "compliment" at the dinner table. Being called "wife material" was like being put in a gorgeous box with a ribbon around it; it was good to look at, but it was confining and limited. It only recognised the aspects of me that may make me a suitable mate for someone else, not my complete humanity. Right now, I am not committed to anyone, and guess what? I remain a complete, whole individual. My messy, amazing existence is full of hobbies, skills, flaws, and dreams that are unrelated to my laundry-folding or lasagna-baking prowess. I don't wish to be someone's perfect checklist. I wish to be myself.

I've had to unlearn the idea that I should try to live up to such expectations for years. I was quietly taught, like many women, that being able to get married was a great accomplishment.

Get the degree, develop your career, but unless someone wants to marry you, you're not successful. A true, loving partnership is not something you get for being well-behaved or having wonderful housekeeping skills. I therefore encourage other ladies to reject the label of "wife material." When it's a cage disguised with courteous language, let's stop considering it as praise. I have no desire to change who I am to fulfil a position that was predetermined for me decades before I was even born. 

The fact that so many of us are already resisting is heartening. Today's women are asserting their right to self-determination. We are friends, daughters, professionals, travellers, innovators, and so much more than just prospective wives.

Language is important. Our perception of ourselves is influenced by the way others speak about us. The concept that a woman's ultimate goal is to become someone's ideal spouse is quietly reinforced when society continues to use terms like "wife material." However, such a story is unjust and out of date. 

Marriage and love are wonderful aspects of life, but they are decisions rather than indicators of a woman's value. Instead of being a reward for fulfilling social norms, a meaningful relationship ought to be a partnership of equals. It is telling us that whether or not we wear a ring, our lives are meaningful, valuable, and that whichever relationship we do choose to commit to, we must take notice of our total humanity. You can smile and say, "Thanks, but I am so much more," the next time someone tries to compliment you and calls you "wife material". We have always been more, let's never forget it, and let's make sure no one else does either.

Views expressed by the author are their own.