Where Did My Desire Go?

I never thought I’d feel this way. At 47, I find myself staring at the ceiling at night, questioning things I never imagined I’d have about my body, my emotions, and even my relationship. I used to feel alive, desired, and connected. Now, I just feel… nothing. For the past year, my libido has slowly faded. I didn’t notice at first, blaming stress, work, and exhaustion. But then, as my body changed hot flashes, restless nights, and unpredictable mood swings so did something deeper. The part of me that once craved intimacy seemed to switch off entirely.

At first, I thought it was just a phase. Maybe I wasn’t feeling sexy enough my skin was drier, my body felt foreign, and the weight around my middle refused to budge. But then I realised, it wasn’t just about my body. It was something deeper.

"Am I Becoming Asexual?" I started wondering if I was changing at my core. Was this what menopause did? Did it erase my desire? Or was I simply evolving into someone different...someone… asexual?

I googled it, half-expecting to find horror stories. Instead, I found science-backed answers. Turns out, my plummeting estrogen and testosterone levels were playing tricks on my brain. These hormones—ones I had never paid attention to—were responsible for keeping desire alive, and now they were dipping, leaving me feeling disconnected from pleasure.

I caught up with women in the Gytree Menopause Club WhatsApp group and realised I could ask others too. This was important to me and I needed a safe space to chat.

It was reassuring to know I wasn’t alone. Millions of women experience this during menopause. But knowing the science didn’t change how I felt. It didn’t bring back the longing I once had for my partner.

What Does This Mean for My Relationship?

My husband, Amit, has been patient. At first, he didn’t notice the shift. But as the months went on and my rejection became routine, he finally asked, “Is something wrong?”

That question broke me. Because I didn’t have an answer.

I love him. I do. But how do you explain to someone that your body no longer responds the way it once did? That it isn’t about them, but about something inside you changing without permission?

Finding my way back...I don’t have all the answers yet, but I’m learning. I’m learning that:

This isn’t permanent. Many women regain their sense of intimacy with time, lifestyle changes, or even hormone therapy if needed.

Desire is more than just hormones. Emotional connection, self-confidence, and even simple physical touch—like holding hands—can help reignite that lost spark.

I need to be kind to myself. Maybe this is a phase. Maybe it’s an evolution. Either way, it’s okay. There’s no rulebook for how a woman should feel in midlife.

So, for now, I’m giving myself permission to explore, to talk, to feel without pressure. If intimacy returns, great. If it shifts into something new, I’ll embrace that too.

Because menopause isn’t just about what I lose—it’s about what I discover about myself.

To every woman feeling the same way: You’re not broken. You’re just becoming.

Names changed for privacy concerns.