Love Languages: How Our Childhood Needs Are Manifested In Adulthood

Most of us know the five love languages - words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, and gifts. People usually talk about them in the context of dating, but honestly, you can see them everywhere: in friendships, in family dynamics, even in how we show up for others.

The wild part is, our love languages don’t come out of nowhere. They’re often shaped by our childhood patterns. What we craved, what we didn’t get, or what we were taught love looked like. And when you start paying attention, you notice it in the people around you.

The Responsible Friend

For me, being the eldest daughter meant carrying responsibility way too young. I was the “I got it” kid, helping out, keeping things together, making sure everyone else was okay. That’s why acts of service hit so hard for me. When a friend says, “I know you can do it, but let me help you,” it feels like love in the purest way. It’s someone finally stepping in for me, instead of me always stepping in for others.

The Friend Who Never Opened Up at Home

We all have that one friend who grew up keeping things inside. Maybe their parents weren’t emotionally available, or maybe opening up just wasn’t safe. As adults, their love language is often quality time. They don’t need you to say a ton; they just want your presence. Sitting together, late-night talks, even just being around each other in silence, feels like love. It’s the attention they craved but never got.

The Hype Friend

Then there’s the friend who hypes everyone up. They’re always dropping compliments, sending encouraging texts, and reminding you how amazing you are. That’s words of affirmation as a love language. A lot of the time, they grew up not hearing those words themselves, so now they pour them into others. And when they get those affirmations back? It fills a space they’ve been carrying since childhood.

The Quiet Parent Who Gives Gifts

My mom isn’t very expressive. She doesn’t do big hugs or emotional talks. But she shows love in the form of gifts. Little things like snacks she knows I like, or something I mentioned weeks ago. It’s not about the item itself or just a random thing that made her think of me - it’s about the thought. For her, that’s how love feels real, because it’s what she learned. 

The Dad Who Bonds Through Time

My dad’s love language is definitely quality time. He doesn’t really say “I love you,” but he’ll sit with me while watching a show or take me out for food. It’s not about the activity, it’s about the presence. That’s his way of saying, “I care.” The way he listens to my rants or how I have had a bad day. For him, love has always been about being there, not necessarily saying it.

The Touch-Oriented Friend

Some people are just super tactile; they hug everyone, lean on you while watching TV, or grab your arm while laughing. That’s physical touch as their love language. A lot of times, they grew up in families where affection was normal, so it feels natural to them. But sometimes, it’s the opposite-they didn’t get much touch growing up, and now they crave it as adults, using it to build closeness.

The “Practical” Friend

You know that friend who fixes things for you, whether it's about getting an assignment done or bringing food when you’re stressed? That’s acts of service in motion. A lot of the time, these are people who were raised to do more than feel. For eg, take my friend Brahmjot, after every group hangout, he drops everyone back home - he makes sure everyone reaches home safely. He might not be very good at comforting, but this is how he shows he cares. They might not be great at saying the right words, but they’ll always show up when you need them.

The Bigger Picture

When you really look at it, love languages are more than preferences. They’re reflections of our early experiences like the little echoes of what we wanted, what we learned, and what we carried into adulthood.

• The kid who wasn’t praised becomes the adult who craves affirmations.

• The kid who was overlooked grows into the adult who values quality time.

• The kid who had to be responsible becomes the adult who gives (and longs for) acts of service.

• The parent who struggles with emotions might give gifts instead of words.

• The sibling who only felt safe through touch still seeks that physical closeness.

In other words, we often become what we crave. Either we chase the love we missed, or we give it to others in abundance, making sure they don’t feel the same gap we once did.

Love languages aren’t just about romance; instead, they’re a window into our stories, our childhoods, and the ways we keep trying to connect.

Views expressed by the author are their own.