The Invisibility Of Older Women

Every old woman has her own unique story from birth, youth and to the age of invisibility. I can relate to parts of this journey as a middle-aged woman. Therefore inadvertently I find myself drawn to older women, in cafés, in shopping malls and among solo women travellers. 

Conversations in airports and cafés are liberating as there are no strings attached. People open up easily over a warm coffee as they find the freedom of no carry forward information among strangers. And to give ageing women, the credit, most don’t bother too much about unsolicited advice or judgement passed about their thoughts and life choices. Therefore most open up fearlessly, without a shred of apology in the newfound freedom of being experienced and unhindered.

Older women’s life trajectories are diverse yet each of us are joined in this galaxy of womanhood, with the sheer struggle of living in a patriarchal society. Ageism is quite the sad reality for women who are unfortunately pitted against one another in the generational divide. Many younger women are frightened to become old and irrelevant. Yet none can escape this invisibility. 

Ageing woman are challenged by the innumerable conflicting feelings and forces. And finally we are all together in this ride to accept the uncontrollable change in our lives that we try desperately to stall forever.

The Invisibility of Older Women

Today I found a seat next to Jyoti (name changed) in Bangalore airport, she was returning to her home in Delhi. Her eyes shone as she smiled at me and asked “Are you from Delhi”? I fumble and still remain confused in my correct search for this answer. So over a fleeting calculation in my head of a confused state of belonging and familiarity, I replied “ Yes, Delhi”.

I asked her what got her to Bangalore? She replied her son is a professor and she had come to visit him and his family. I asked her if she would consider moving to Bangalore? She said matter of factly that she only speaks Hindi and she can’t form bonds in English or Kannada. 

We both smiled and I extended my hand to hold her frail fingers that were holding on to her bag. She looked at me and began pouring her heart out.

She mentioned that she lost her husband 10 years back and now lives alone in Delhi, in Geeta Colony. She made Geeta Colony sound like a haven from the loneliness and restricted life of a gated Bangalore community. She is a devotee of a Guru and her life is spent doing seva and satsangs in the locality. Her colony friends call and check on her every day. She wouldn’t exchange her familiar life for an unsettling life of dependency on her children. She said it is very lonely to be in Bangalore’s high-rise apartments. And apart from making rotis and buying grocery, she didn’t understand how else to keep herself occupied. In Delhi, her life is full of her own routine. 

She confided about her 55-year-old daughter, who is angry most days, because of her life in a sexless marriage. The daughter also suffers from thyroid issues and weight gain but does not have the courage to call off her wedding. 

Jyoti then peered with her hazel eyes and said “Women do get angry when their desires are not fulfilled by a man”. I listened to her with admiration for her candour and my thoughts went back to the number of women and their non-articulation of sex and their bodies. I realised most women are allowed to think of sex only for procreation. Anything beyond this is a filthy thought. But it maybe changing for the better with the newer generation.

I found Jyoti even more braver than what I thought of her initially. Her frank conversation was absolutely devoid of any shallow self-pity of age and life alone, away from her children, that was at this juncture in any way unfulfilling or imperfect. 

She said she has two stepchildren and one son, who calls her once a month, who also lives in Delhi and the stepdaughter who loves her back dearly. But she doesn’t wish to live life among her children and be constantly walking on egg shells. Therefore she has chosen to keep her peace without the trappings of being like a conventional older woman, seeking support and sympathy.

Jyoti like many older women, has found a purpose in spirituality and service to her Guru. She said, he knows it all. Like he was her partner with whom she had a one on one equation of love and trust.

As the flight announcements began, I stood up, to stand in my queue. I hugged her and she hugged me back warmly saying there is always profoundness in the ordinary. We were supposed to have this interaction.

I said thank you, and wished Jyoti a safe flight.

As I sat, I kept thinking of the growing older population of India. The number of elderly people in India is projected to increase to 173 million by 2026. Older adults are projected to bear nearly half of India's disease burden by 2030. Neurodegenerative diseases like dementia mostly affect older adults, there is a dire need to address mental health concerns such as depression and anxiety, which are just bubbling inside a pot, waiting to burst out. 

In countries like Japan, 28,000 elderly people died alone in the first half of 2024. In this number, nearly 4,000 people were discovered more than a month after they died, and 130 bodies went unmissed for a year before they were found. 

India may not be far from countries like Japan, Korea and London where there is a proposal for a ministry of loneliness for the elderly.

The invisibility of an older woman is one part of the issue, the bigger crisis is in the lack of enough old age homes for single women who are considered an anomaly in a society where women are of value only till they can procreate and carry the man’s legacy ahead.

Gender disparities in health and well-being are also significant issues across India. Given that chronic health and mental health conditions are more common in older women, they often remain under-recognised.

Mohua Chinappa is a poet, an author and runs two podcasts, The Mohua Show and The Literature Lounge. She is also a member of an award winning non profit London based think tank called Bridge India.