Dear Society! Can We Stop Blaming Women's Success For Failed Relationship

Being ambitious, earning more, and holding superior positions at work  are never considered "wife qualities." Most often, ambitious and successful women faces a troubled marriage or get divorced. Women are usually put in the box and when they try to overstep, everything crumbles. It becomes difficult for ambitious and successful women to have a fulfilling relationship. Why does it happen? Why can’t women can have it all? Why society can't accept ambitious and successful women? Why should ambitious and successful women be considered bad wives and irresponsible mothers? Why should husband feel inferior when their wives are flourishing?

Even movies have depicted men with narcissistic tendencies when their wives are successful. For instance, Kavya Iyer (Regina Cassandra), a dedicated, ambitious, and successful IPS officer, is shown to have a troubled marriage in the recently released web series Jaanbaaz Hindustan Ke. While seeking divorce and child custody, her spouse claims that her ambition puts their son’s life at risk. Kavya Iyer's lawyer argues, "Will this be a valid reason for seeking custody if the child's father is ambitious?"

Most emphatically not! Because patriarchal societies like ours have long regarded men as providers and protectors, women have relied on men for survival. The mere word "ambition" tagged before a woman's name can cost her relationships. Women like Kavya Iyer are predominantly seen in the box that society has made. Anything they do outside the box is turned against them. Now that women are self-sufficient, it threatens the very idea of manhood in patriarchy. If women began doing it all by themselves and were no longer dependent on men, how could they be controlled? In patriarchal societies where equality does not exist, it completely alters the power dynamics in the relationship.

Moreover, men are put in a position to take on equal or sometimes more responsibilities with household chores and parenting when women have more demanding careers, which misogynistic men don’t do. So women are frequently forced to choose between their careers and their families. The jealousy borne out of masculinity is so toxic that it doesn't take men a second to assassinate women's characters. In many cases, Othello's syndrome develops and sows the seeds of resentment in relationships.

Women's Success And Failed Relationship

According to a 2019 American survey, husbands' stress increases if their wife’s salary rises beyond 40% of the household income. This is very common in India, as most men's matrimonial profiles often mention that their prospective partners' salaries are lower than their own. How long will men struggle to accept that women can be just as competent as them?

Men interpret their wives' success as their own failure when it is not! It bruises their ego and leaves a lasting negative impact on their relationship. The study also discovered that women being promoted to higher roles at work or earning more leads to a higher likelihood of relationship issues and infidelity. This, however, does not occur in families where men are the sole breadwinners, earn more, or hold high-level positions.

In a series of studies published in the American Psychological Association’s journal of personality and social psychology, men felt bad and subconsciously lost their confidence when their wives beat them at something, even when they weren’t in direct competition with each other. Men felt worse when their wives succeeded compared to when they failed. And when their partners succeeded at something they failed at, their self-esteem took an even bigger hit, which in turn took a toll on the couple’s relationship. However, the study reported that wives felt happier about their husbands succeeding than when they failed.

This data makes it clear that having a happy and successful relationship is almost impossible for most ambitious women. This concept is largely prevalent in India, where only 32% of married women are in the workforce, according to the National Health and Family Survey (NHFS)-5. While American women experience troubled marriages when they succeed more than their husbands, Indian women are not even given that chance. The patriarchy in India stifles women's empowerment by denying them education and employment rights.

Why do men have to view their wives as competitors? Isn’t marriage about partnership, supporting, and uplifting each other? We are in 2023, and yet in both movies and real life, the majority of ambitious and successful women are not able to have happy romantic relationships because of patriarchy. It is up to millennial parents to raise their sons better and empower their daughters so that the next generation is more progressive. How long should women have to pay a lifetime penalty to pursue their passion?

Suggested Reading: Sexual Harassment At Workplace: Women Caught Between Safety And Success