How to have better sex? The question, how to be better during sex has come up time and again, whether it be on internet searches or while chatting with friends. It is a question that most of us keep looking an answer for and feel insecure about because not everyone is Otis from Sex Education, right? Plus, thanks to our sex education courses in schools, most of us try to find the answer in pornographic videos.
Dr Martha Tara Lee, who is a relationship counsellor and a clinical sexologist talks about five simple points which revolves around distinctive yet overlapping sections – body, mind and heart.
According to Lee, before delving into how to have ‘better’ we need to understand the sections which play an important role before, during and after sex. According to sex school definitions, the body usually represents “genitals” and also the whole body in terms of other parts. Most of the time, when it comes to problems with sex, the first thing that a sexologist rules out is the physical aspect.
Illness, diseases like sexually transmitted infections and other physical aspect makes up the medical aspect of sexuality. Not everything is in mind, our body too has its own limitations.
But in order to understand sex and have better ones, one needs to combine all aspects together and then make their decisions. Here are five tips to be good at sex:
- “Get to know your own body,” recommends Lee. It is best to know yourself before indulging in an activity that involves another body. The reason for this being when you know what you want, it is easy to direct and understand the situation better. One feels confident and comfortable in sex and not underwhelming. The best way to do that is masturbating because then one is able to understand one’s need, touch and speed. According to Lee, this is the body aspect and very important for one to be a better lover.
- The second tip by Dr Lee is the heart. Feeling good about having sex is also equally important and that can come with clarity. Ask yourself – why are you having sex with this person? Sometimes answering it might feel taxing and emotionally unsettling but it is crucial to know that for one to be comfortable while having sex. Sex should be a mutual decision, whether it be just a hook-up or not. Knowing the situation well helps a person to open up while indulging in sexual activity. It also helps with trust.
- Emotions are good to have and can dictate the positive or negative aspects of what you think while having sex, which matters because according to Dr Lee, many people are unable to relax and control thoughts during sex. For a long time, popular media has made us believe that sex is a competition, something one cannot think of failing in. Each time is a new and evolved experience with sex. Self-talk can help in pushing out the negative thoughts during sex which often leads to “internal shutdown”.
- The other is communication during sex. Sex is not what we see in porn, people in a frame just having sex. To be able to communicate with your partner is required to have a good sexual experience. It is not a race to orgasm and one needs to articulate their desires in words. Words like “stop, slow down, continue” are part of such communications.
- There is no mistake or failure during sex, it is a constant learning process. At the same time, sex is not stagnant, it keeps evolving as per our physical, emotional and other inhibitions. If one is to have better sex, one needs to take sex with an attitude of lifelong learning.