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A recent tweet by a woman caught my attention, it read, “I find several women who have closed themselves off from forming deeper connections for fear of getting hurt. It is a coping mechanism to save themselves from the after-effects of childhood trauma and the insecurities that shape us as children.” And many women agreed with her. It may be a coping mechanism but it needs to be resolved for a woman to have meaningful relationships during her lifetime.
All of us perhaps have that friend who always needs relationship advice. Here she is ready to break off from her partner again. On close probing, you figure out fears that if she gets intimately close to someone, she will become vulnerable and open to getting hurt. So, before she gets close to anyone, she breaks off, it’s her way of running away from her fears.
What is this fear?
Fear of intimacy doesn’t necessarily mean that one doesn’t want intimate relationships. They may long for intimacy, though they can’t seem to allow themselves to become vulnerable.
Intimate relationships were divided into four categories by Helene Brenner, a PhD, clinical psychologist and author of I Know I’m In There Somewhere. The first type can be labelled as Experiential, where one shares common activities, interests, or experiences that bring two people together. The second type can be said to be Intellectual, where two people bond through an exchange of ideas or deep, meaningful discussions. The third type is the Emotional relationship, where one shares innermost feelings or forms a spiritual connection. Fourth is Sexual relationship, where a person shares a close sensual relationship.
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What leads to this fear?
The most important factor for this fear can be past experiences, especially those in that person’s childhood. So, this running away or shutting oneself out is like a defence mechanism, says PsychCentral. This way the person doesn’t allow herself to become vulnerable or put trust in someone else because she doesn’t want to get hurt.
Other than the above, fear of intimacy may have roots in fear of rejection. As a result that person never takes those first steps toward nurturing a relationship. She may fear rejection because it may have happened to her before or she’s seen it happen to others and doesn’t want to experience that kind of hurt.
Another major reason can be - fear of abandonment. A person might be worried that once she is in an intimate relationship, the other person will leave. This kind of fear can be due to something that happened in that person’s childhood. It could be as a result of death or separation of a parent or other close adults in the family.
A major cause is Avoidant Personality Disorder. The symptoms as per healthline.com can range from low self-esteem, shyness, and awkwardness to fear of judgment or humiliation. If a person has this kind of disorder then she will avoid social situations, will be oversensitive to criticism and will have an exaggerated sense of potential problems.
Suggested Reading:
How To Break Up With Someone In The Fairest Way Possible?
Childhood sexual abuse is a serious cause of fear of intimacy. If an individual has been sexually abused in childhood then it can lead to fear of intimate emotional or sexual relationships. This type of abuse makes it challenging for that person to trust another person enough to become intimate.
While the above are the major reasons, there are still other causes for rejection of intimate relationships like separation issues involving overdependence on parents and family, previous verbal or physical abuse, fear of being controlled or losing oneself in a relationship and parental neglect.
The effects of this fear
Fear of intimacy can have a significant impact on one's life, particularly in romantic relationships. Studies show that this kind of disorder can negatively affect the quality of a partner relationship.
It’s important to overcome the fear of intimacy
The best way to deal with it is to seek professional help. The person will come to know about events in her life and try to understand where those fears come from. She will also get answers to questions like – Does she want more meaningful relationships in her life? And if she is unconsciously destroying relationships?
We need to also understand that no relationship is perfect, if someone breaks a relationship, it’s nothing to do with you. So, we need to value and respect ourselves.
The views expressed are the author's own.