It’s Okay To Not Be Okay; And Other Truths I’m Learning Alone

I often wonder what it is like to have a larger group of friends, to have nicknames for professors, to talk endlessly about which concert to go to, how the weather is or about any other fashion in which small talk conversations work. It often goes beyond my understanding as to how people manage to be so social, whether it's going out at night, meeting cute people, or just dancing their feet off.

Life is all fun and games until you stare at the ceiling at midnight, trying to figure out your existential dread, not knowing where to go, which way to live, or genuinely fathoming to reckon how many friendships you have. We live in a world where extroversion is the need of the hour, or at least ought to be told so, and the introverts are the ones who are told to cling to those extroverts who basically adopt them.

When You're Not Invited to the Party

I often find myself looking in the mirror and questioning myself: which end of the spectrum do I fall into, where does my personality lie, and how do I find the truest version of myself? A question that haunts me at night, that creeps behind the hind and makes me doubt myself time and again. If I ever look back, I do not think I can ever label myself at any end of the spectrum.

I have metamorphosed to be different versions of me, and I have also been someone who has been the life of the party when I vibed well with the people. I have also been the quiet girl who does not speak much and limits herself to the books she reads and her writings that serve as an armour.

I have danced for hours without my feet ever hurting, and I have also been the speck in the corner of the room who does not talk about a lot. I have made conversations and friends on a whim, and I have left friendships that lasted for years. I have indulged in spontaneous acts of fun, and I have also stopped myself from attending social gatherings.

So maybe I am a living paradox, a myriad of anomalies who is happy, hurting and healing all at once. And maybe that is what pain teaches you. Sometimes healing looks like the dwindling ship that is looking for its last straw to anchor it in its depth, sometimes it feels like you win the world, and sometimes it feels like you can barely make it through the day.

There is both beauty and bane in the quest to find joy, to make yourself feel like you again. I know how easily it is said to make more friends, or just get through it, to smile like nothing has happened when your world is falling apart and to hold it all together. To put on a show so that others do not feel uncomfortable, so that no one can know how you are not doing okay, and your life is chaotic.

But let me tell you this, it is okay to not have it all figured out, it is okay to not be okay, it is okay to need to be alone, it is okay if you don't have a large group of friends, or you don't have the best accomplishments to boast about. You are not performing for the world to live.

You Are Not a Performance

Life does not end when you lose yourself for a bit, when you take that train alone when you eat by yourself, and when you spend your weekends staying in instead of partying or going clubbing. I hope you know there is no standard way to live life; you do not need to be living by the measures of society to be deemed as living a fulfilling life. How you choose to live it, walk in it and breathe in its stride is entirely in your hands, and no one can tell you otherwise.

If staying alone in this phase of your life serves you, then by all means go ahead. Because being alone hurts, it is not easy, but being with people who drain the soul out of you hurts even more. Any connection that needs to be forced or does not feel true to your core is never something that lasts anyway.

I hope after reading this, you realise that you can fly solo. And as for me, I still juggle between the lines of being a paradox, being a loner and being the light of the room, of being with everyone and being with myself. But with time and the lessons it brings, I am learning to be kinder with myself, to be gentler with how I am coping, to hold space for myself like I would do for others. I hope you do too.

Authored by Hridya Sharma. | Views expressed by the author are their own.