“When did you have sex for the first time?” I asked my mother, sheepishly. And guess what, she frankly replied, “Of course after my marriage.” After reading this, most of you might be wondering about my courage or my shamelessness to talk to my mother about her sexual life. But for me, it was neither a courageous nor a shameful deed. It was just a casual conversation that every mother and daughter must have.
Adding further, my mother said that she had orgasms and pleasure during sex. However, she insisted on saying that sex doesn’t happen as soon as you get married. It is not necessary to have sex on the wedding night. Rather, a couple must give time to each other, understand and befriend each other. Only when the bond has been developed, something so intimate as sex should be performed.
I was ofcourse shocked and happy at my mother’s openness during the conversation about her sexual life. I expected a good amount of scolding from her, as would any reader of this article. But things happened differently. The conversation turned into a kind of sex education that every mother and daughter must have before the daughter’s marriage. I was happy to know that my mother was aware of orgasm and didn’t fail at teaching its importance to her daughter.
After talking to my mother about sex, I realised that sex is about bonding and mutual consent. It is not a custom or enforcement but an activity based on consent and pleasure. I didn’t expect my mother to agree with me on the idea that wedding night sex is not necessary. Moreover, I also resonated with her when she talked about friendship and understanding between sexual couples before getting intimate. By this, I do not mean to shame those who have casual sex. Though my mother won’t agree with the idea of casual sex, her point that friendship is necessary for every sexual bond is undetestable.
Sex education with parents
Do you remember a scene in the series Bridgeton season one in which the lead character blames her mother for not teaching her about sex? Or the Madhuri Dixit starer Maja Ma in which her son feels ashamed to talk about his mother’s sexuality because he considers her as an ideal woman devoted to her children? These two scenes have different conclusions. The first one points to the need for mothers or parents to talk to their kids about sex and sexuality. It is the lack of this conversation that many men and women have a distorted understanding of sex. While men tend to consider it as their right (borrowed from the wrong ideas peddled by pop culture), women tend to see it as a service. Because of this distorted or unequal understanding of sex, injustices happen. Men dominate women so much that they end up harassing them and women become so submissive that they ignore their own right to pleasure in sex.
But if parents teach kids about sex, love and consent, all these unjust practices can be avoided. If parents teach kids what sex is, how it is not always about procreation and what consent is, kids will not end up depending on the distorted representation of pop culture.
The second scene of Maja Ma shows that it is kids’ responsibility too to understand the needs and desires of their parents. Kids need to step their parents down from the pedestal of sacrifice for once and consider their sexual lives. Parents too have the right to have or enjoy sex beyond procreation. Kids need to accept this reality and give their parents the freedom and understanding they deserve. To make the picture clearer, recall the movie Badhai Ho in which Ayushman Khurrana’s character initially feels ashamed of imagining his parents having sex. But consequently, he accepts this reality because he understands that just like him, his parents too have the right to sex.
So dear readers, if you are a parent, then do have a conversation about sex and sexuality with your kids. In addition to this, talk to their parents too about their desires and needs. Whether they were met or not. Or whether they knew about orgasm or not. Having these conversations helps both parents and children in having a better idea about sex.
Views expressed are the author’s own.
Suggested Reading: Sex Education For Kids Labelled Immoral, But Sexual Harassment Is Not?