Life is like a story with fictional elements, dreams desires and unexpected turns. But unlike stories, we don't know how it will end. My life too is an interesting story of an ambitious woman caught up in the conflict of conquering the world and keeping myself safe from its demons. I am an MBBS student who just finished her final exams. For many readers, I might be an inspiration, a hope for a bright future and a respectable human. But for me, I am just another MBBS student who is scarred by the dark reality of the medical world.
My childhood aspirations
Like every child of my generation, I too had dreams and hobbies. I loved styling hair. I used to braid my sister's and my mother's hair frequently and try new styles. I also used to drape my mother's dupatta and walk around like a model. I loved dressing up. I wanted to enter the fashion world or become a hairstylist. But at that time there was no internet to research the process or scope of this career. Neither did anyone in my family have any idea about it. So I preserved it as a hobby that I still practice.
As I grew up, I realised my bigger goal of earning a lot of money and buying my own car. I wasn't interested in Engineering with which my entire family was obsessed. So I chose to be a doctor.
After completing my 10th, I chose Biology for my intermediate because I liked studying about humans. Many people told me that pursuing an MBBS and becoming a doctor is very tough. But I liked challenges. Whenever someone tried to challenge me, I used to conquer it. Moreover, I would be the first doctor in my entire family! Creating a history! A new legacy!
Why I chose to become a doctor
As far as becoming a doctor is concerned, I didn't care about the challenges that my family and relatives warned me about. I could only see that if I became a doctor, people would respect me. I grew up hearing that doctors are next to God. Saving lives, receiving blessings and being a good human- this is how I imagined my future as a doctor. But little did I know that my bubble will be busted so brutally that would scar my life.
After preparing for two years, I cleared NEET and got admission to a semi-government college in Kolkata. In the medical world, you have to pay a lot to become a respectful doctor- both in quantity and quality. Since I couldn't secure a seat in a government college, my father had to pay a hefty amount as fee for the college where I got admission. I still remember that scene when my father was struggling to pay the amount. That picture is stuck in my mind like an alarm clock that either reminds me of my goals or scares me of failure.
The challenges I faced during MBBS
When I started my studies, initially everything was good. I liked the subjects, I liked the professors and enjoyed studying. But gradually, as time passed, I realised that it is indeed very difficult.
Pursuing MBBS brought many changes in my life which I never expected- mind you, these changes were not positive. I developed Exam Phobia which I never had since I was a student who used to be very confident during exams. The pressure of exams and the load of the vast syllabus were so huge that they devoured my entire time. If I got even two hours of sleep, it was like a privilege. I lost my appetite because whenever went to eat, the constant palpitations about the exams didn't let me have my meal.
Sometimes, I used to break down and call my father who acted as a superhero. No matter how distressed he himself was, he used to cheer me up and motivate me. My mother, on the other hand, used to freak out and ask me to meet a doctor. She used to suggest me to practice meditation and yoga which I did. Even though, they had to sacrifice a lot to pay my fees, my parents never put any pressure on me. They always supported me and were ready to hold me if I had a downfall. So making my parents proud and happy became another goal of my life.
But all the efforts, the sleepless nights, the unstable mind and the loss of appetite seem futile now. Do you know why? Because the respect that I wanted to earn through this career has been lost now.
The dark reality of medical colleges
Since I have completed my MBBS, I will be gearing up for my MD which is yet another hurdle to cross. The hurdle is not just about passing exams but about saving my life. Recently, I came across social media posts which talked about the toxicity in the PG colleges.
One of the posts talked about the mass suicide letter issued by resident doctors of Gandhi Medical College in Bhopal. As per the letter, the resident doctors have given an ultimatum of mass suicide on May 31 if the toxic culture of the medical college doesn't end. In the letter, the doctors said that they are expected to work for more than 24 hours without sleep, sometimes even for 36 hours. The doctors also alleged that they cannot take any leave, not even if they are badly sick. The letter said that the mental and physical health of the doctors is affected by the toxic culture.
As per research, between March 2016 and March 2019, 30 doctors died by suicide out of which 18 were women and 12 were men. Around 80 per cent of them were younger than 40 years. 22 doctors were from medical education institutes
Where has the respect for doctors gone?
Even after going through all these struggles, what do doctors get? Humiliation? Abuse? I frequently come across news of doctors being beaten up and abused by patients, their relatives or the public in general. For instance, in January, a woman doctor was beaten up with an iron rod in a brawl at a hospital in Maharashtra. In the same month, an orthopaedic doctor in Gurugram was beaten up by the patient and his attendant because the doctor sanitised his hand after examining the patient. In 2023, doctors at a hospital in Delhi were beaten up by a patient and her family because the patient was asked to wait as the doctors were attending to other patients.
Where has the respect for the doctors gone? Where has the narrative of considering doctors next to God lost? Do people even realise what it takes to be a doctor? Why are patients taking doctors for granted? Are doctors, not humans?
My firm determination and a message for aspiring doctors
Eventually, every profession has its pros and cons. Despite all this, I will choose to become a doctor only if given a second chance. I want to save people's lives and bring smiles to their faces. This can be done only if I become a doctor, the best doctor so that people believe in me. The moments of regret that I feel of not choosing MBBS because of its toxicity that can strangle you literally or working harder to get into a government college are all compensated by the larger goal I have in life.
However, for the students who are aspiring to be a doctor, I have a message. Don't choose this field just because you don't like maths or Engineering. The profession of a doctor requires a lot of sacrifices and discipline. If you are willing to do so, I would be happy to be your inspiration.
Views expressed by the author are their own
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