If I Could Go Back in Time, I’d Tell Her She Was Beautiful All Along

"You will barely make it through college." "How are you going to survive the outside world if this is how you function in school?" "Do you even know how bad the world can get?" "How would a person as weak and timid as you get through life?" "You barely have any future!" "Hridya, how fat you are!" "How do you even come to school with a face like that? How do you step outside your house?" Words, how simple in their exterior yet how painful and terrifying in their essence.

They hold the power to break someone's self-esteem so badly that one may never recover from their assent. These comments look mean, right? Like, why would a person in their right mind say that to someone? I would question myself over the same dilemma again and again. Why would someone say that to me? Why does anyone harbour such negativity against me? 

When Words Became Wounds

I was a 13-year-old girl who was battling toxic friendships and bullying at school, and as someone who was extremely self-conscious about her appearance and could not stand a negative comment against me in any facet, these remarks shattered the world underneath my feet. 

I was an overachiever in school, too, with great marks, the teacher’s pet, good at dancing and swimming, and basically a girl who believed unicorns were real and the world revolved around the being of unicorns and goodness everywhere. I would yearn to feel included, to be a part of a big group, to be called pretty, to be admired and to be attractive to boys. 

Yes, I was a victim of peer pressure and desired male validation in my early teen years. Making everyone around me happy and being at service to others was my favourite pastime. I was a chronic people pleaser and desired to make everyone happy, even if that meant losing myself and not having a sense of self. 

Losing Myself to Fit In

All was fine until nothing seemed to stay afloat. I became friends with the wrong people, and it led to the pitfall of my confidence. They labelled me as fat, called me ugly, incompetent, underconfident, and made fun of everything that constituted my being.

Not going to lie, it was devastating, my image was completely ruined, I started to hate myself and wanted to leave everything and run away. To a place far-far away where no one knew me, where I did not have to hear words that could completely ruin my psyche, where I could finally find peace.

I started isolating myself and withdrawing from the friends I already had. I stopped doing the activities I loved, and I would look in the mirror and cry for hours. As a result, I started scoring fewer marks in school, and teachers started showing concern, telling me to buckle down as an exceptional student was losing her exceptional status and turning into a below-average child. 

The bullying continued, and it started affecting my health as well., I lost weight, and everyone around me was concerned, asking me why I was suddenly losing it. 

I wish I could tell them it is because someone called me ugly and I wanted to look beautiful, it is because I was called fat by a guy I was crushing over, and I wanted to look pretty. But all I said was due to the stress of board exams.

Months went by, and I started losing interest in my studies; subsequently, I started scoring fewer marks in exams. Ignorance is bliss until it turns into a bane, a bane that can be so dreadful to your existence that you hit rock bottom.

It was my semester exam for tenth grade, where I barely passed my math exam. I came home that day and started crying, while I stared at the mirror in front of me, I saw my Krishna painting and an affirmation that I had stuck a while back.

Finding Light Again

Every time you live for the permissive glance of others, a part of you dies
In being true to who you are at your core, the true sense of living lies.

Glancing at the note, I wiped my tears and vowed to myself to never lose myself again. I started to enjoy being in the world of books like I used to be, and returned home to who I truly was. As time went by, the girl who barely passed her midterm semester exam for 10th standard scored 90% in her tenth and celebrated it while dancing at the train station in Switzerland.

If I could go back in time, I would tell my younger self that you were amazing just the way you are, you don't need to change any part of you to fit in, because you were born to stand out. 

You are beautiful, creative, strong, kind, honest and most importantly, real. I hope you know all the things you were once told about not making it in the real world and the ones you were afraid of, all ended up working out. You have friends who love you for who you are, you feel beautiful in your skin, and you have found a home in your creations that inspire many. 

You are known for your work, and you no longer need to please people to find your worth. You are still kind and honest, but your empathy now knows its boundaries. You are amazing, you are exceptional, and the world is beautiful because you are the light, and this is your story, create the way you want it to be. 

Love, 
Your older self, who is in love with herself. 

Article by Hridya Sharma | Views expressed by the author are their own.