Festivals And Loneliness: The Hidden Emotional Weight Behind All That Glitters

You know life has embroiled you too deeply into its dimwits' end when the things you adore, that breathe existence into your mortal soul, stop bringing you joy. You stop taking care of yourself, you stop looking at yourself with love, you stop taking that extra care into curating your outfit or taking extra time into your schedule just to do the things that excite you or try new food joints or calling your friends.

No pain stings more than letting yourself slip by, than losing your spark, than falling into the deep end of nonchalance instead of being your extra loud and passionate self, than watering down your shine or personality because you are too afraid of what people might think about you.

We are wired as humans to want social connection, to want validation, but too often we are so concerned about what other people might think about us that even our own opinion about us gets invalidated, and it becomes irrelevant.

The Moment Joy Lost Its Way

Our world conforms us to perform a pleasing dance, a performative act to serve the purpose of others. To dial down our joy if we are too happy, to hide our achievements because we look too proud, to not laugh in our weirdness, to look too proper, to not be the vivid, deep person you are or not to tell anyone that you are not okay.

How I wish we lived a life that belonged to be ours. Built on the foundational stance of what made us happy, of what fuelled the passion of being alive in us. Why is fear the sole driver of our actions? We fear being alone, so we run too fast towards the things that once broke us.

We live our lives for the gram, for pleasing others, for drawing a rose-tinted picture in the eyes of others so that we can look at ourselves with the acceptance we so eagerly seek in others, only to be left with a void that refuses to silence its insecurity. Our minds then look for problems in everything we do, in every situation we exist in. I wonder why it is so difficult to be ourselves, to not hate ourselves so much or constantly criticise ourselves.

I had always struggled with not accepting myself as who I was. I looked in the mirror and tried to remove faults in the way I looked, I tried to pinpoint how I talked, how cringey my behaviour was, and how needy I was when I showed emotions.

I have always felt the need to overexplain myself so that others could understand me fully, so that I would not leave any syllable unsaid. I was surmounted by this loneliness that would never weary its hovering presence away, a terror and anxiety always enclasping me that something would always go wrong.

How I wish I could live a little more. To not be so much in my head and give life a chance to bloom, for the light to make room. And yes, I did fall into the deep end of sadness and stopped doing the things I loved. I stopped going out, I stopped dressing up the way I loved and started withdrawing into myself too.

A Prayer for Light

In my all-consuming madness, life started to levy its brevity on me. I felt a pit of sadness one day as I looked in the mirror, and then, like lightning of true realisation struck me. Life does not wait for anyone; no one in this world owes you anything, and neither do you.

The truth is nobody cares, and you live only for yourself. Your mind is your biggest ally and your biggest enemy; the things that seem so catastrophic when you ruminate on the what-ifs never really are that bad. 

I looked outside my window, the sun shone brightly through the crevices of my curtain and radiance in its mirth entered the darkness that had left my soul cold for too long. I finally sipped my coffee, put on my favourite clothes and tuned into one of my favourite songs- Galway Girl!!

Life is not a universally sunny ride; it is more of a rollercoaster that gallops towards the lowest trenches, so that the highs of joy feel surreal and too beautiful, like we are on top of the world.

As Diwali approaches today, I hope you permit yourself to be happy, to be proud of how far you have come, to live for yourself. I hope you speak a kinder tone to yourself, I hope you let yourself feel joy in the smallest of things, in the beauty of your morning tea, in lighting the diya that gives you even the slightest bit of hope for a better tomorrow, in dressing up in your favourite couture because it makes you feel beautiful. I hope you fall in love with yourself a little more, I hope you forgive yourself for all the mistakes that you made, and let the beauty of life leave you in wonder.

To the ones who are grieving this Diwali, I hope you let yourself feel the grief that your existence is making you go through and yet leave a tiny crevice, a tiny ounce of your heart open for the wistful magic that the festive season could bring.

To love, light, joy and celebration that the festive season brings, 
May your heart be filled with the magnanimity of hope that in the song of summer sings
May warmth find you in the places where pain left your heart cold,
May you joyously heal from the things you often leave untold.

Article by Hridya Sharma, freelance writer. | Views expressed by the author are their own.