Women Who Don't Get Along With Each Other Are Not Enemies

Many Bollywood movies, even the recent ones, encourage female friendships and show how women can break glass ceiling if they uplift one another. But what if some women do not relate to these ideas? What if they don't like female friendships? What if they feel more comfortable among male camaraderie? Yes, such women exist. Exchanging pads, checking period stains or comforting each other in the ladies' room are all fine. When it comes to trusting, spending time and sharing secrets, some women seek male friends. Does it then mean they are not feminists? Or are they against women? Let's explore. 

As women, we have grown up believing in certain kinds of lifestyles and behaviours. For example, a woman from a rural background might not feel compatible with a woman from an urban background. The reasons are basic- different ways of speaking, dressing or doing anything. But, despite the difference in the backgrounds, every woman has one thing in common- patriarchy. Every woman grows under the eyes of patriarchy. Some internalise the sexism while others tend to defy it. 

Why some women don't get along well?

When these two women come across each other, naturally there will be conflicts. While one will consider the other as unruly, the other will not be able to handle the sexism emanating from a 'friend'. Undoubtedly, both have faced struggles but not for different reasons. If one struggled to maintain the silence despite the marriage pressure or any kind of abuse, the other faced resentment for speaking up. But both women's struggles were for attaining success in life. Both women want to be financially independent. 

But if the goals are the same, why don't these women get together? The answer is the difference in the struggles. No matter how much a woman 'struggles' to keep herself quiet, the silence somehow gets normalised in her mind and heart. Somehow, she ends up picking the patriarchal norms and projecting them on others. Have you met women who are independent but still talk about periods in whispers? Or women who are happily married but don't mind if the husband is "too sexually demanding"? Such women do not feel comfortable around those women who are "radical". In other words, women who have internalised patriarchal norms will find the women who have defied them as either overreacting or intimidating. 

On the other hand, the women who have been rule-breakers cannot handle those women who followed rules and yet became successful. Such women feel either sympathetic towards the so-called patriarchal women or triggered. And since triggers are more powerful than sympathy, automatically the rule-breakers create a distance from the so-called patriarchal women. 

Why do some women feel comfortable with male friends?

Moreover, women who break rules sometimes tend to find men more comforting because of their empowered identity. They get a sense of connection from men who are not like the patriarchal women who trigger them. So the point is, some women don't get along because of their differences in life struggles. You must have heard that every struggle changes you in ways unexpected. Similarly, every woman's struggle changes her. 

Women who don't get along are not enemies

However, I never said that these women are enemies. Rather, I used words like intimidating and sympathy which means that if given a chance, these women will help or inspire each other in a million ways. As far as friendship is concerned, why are we worried if a woman gets along with a man or a woman? All that matters is that the woman must feel happy, safe and comforted by any person, irrespective of gender.

By labelling women who don't have female friends as "women-haters", we are only degrading what feminism means. Feminism allows every woman to make their choices. We don't live in a school where boys and girls are not allowed to talk. In fact, it is appreciable that women are getting along with men too without feeling unsafe. That there are relationships between men and women apart from romance. 

Yes, the problem arises when women degrade or shame each other. But for that, we need to fight a long battle of dismantling patriarchy which is the culprit behind putting women against each other. Until then, let's make peace with the fact that some women like female friends while others like male friends. As Marlene Dietrich said, "It is the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.” 

Views expressed are the author's own.