From Brad Pitt to Kim Kardashian, we have seen the good, the bad, the ugly. From their goofiness to messiness, we have watched them to their end. Ending a long-distance relationship will never be easy, either with a friend, lover, or parents. It will always be accompanied by insurmountable pain and awkwardness. But, sometimes pain is not the main character, ugliness takes over. Sometimes, despite the most honest, courageous efforts, ugliness takes over.
Divorce or separation isn’t a one-day affair. It never is a standalone incident. It's a story, with its main character, narratives, plot twists, and a climax.
I am the last born of a dysfunctional family. I have seen it all. What I have realised is that divorce or separation is inevitable if there is no respect. Lack of love and companionship won't hinder you from boarding the ship. But, if you don’t have mutual respect, there is no stopping the ship from sinking.
And, in relationships that are not underlined by mutual respect, ugliness is more probable. When two people are acting to maim each other, the ugliness will be all the more uglier. There is no preventing it from becoming nasty, unreasonable, and manipulative.
But why does walking away involve leaving footprints of mud? Why is it not easy? Why does divorce have to look like this? Why, indeed, must divorce adopt such visages? In pondering these queries, one cannot help but muse upon the idealized portrayal of divorce—wondering what it should resemble.
Theorising Divorce
The D in divorce stands for dirt. To uncover this, we need to first understand the social perception of divorce.
Divorce is an unacceptable phenomenon, one greeted with stigma and skepticism. It's a taboo. It's seen as a challenge to the social structures of the family. It attempts to dismantle the power dynamics and challenge the status quo. And, no one likes that.
To understand why such apprehensive connotations exist vis-a-vis divorce, let's delve into some theories which have encapsulated the arguments, in a theoretical manner. Structural-functionalist theory sees divorce as a disruption of the social order, threatening stability. Family in our society is a sacred institution and divorce challenges its sacredness and sanctity. Adding on this the feminist theories highlight how this social perception is intricately linked to gendered notions of power.
To understand how divorce is a stigma, it's important to remember marriage is sacred. It's a divinely ordained union, and humans can’t challenge the notion of marriage. Marriage is the only institution that legitimises sex and our society runs on monogamous principles, and divorce threatens the core of monogamy.
Besides, divorce is not just seen as a means of challenging the traditional and oppressive gendered norms, it’s peddled as a poison for women. Divorce is portrayed as being anti-feminist because, in a patriarchal society where women are financially dependent on men for basic sustenance, divorce has the power to make a woman destitute. Besides, who would desire a woman who is not chaste?
Divorce is thus intellectually seen as being detrimental to not just the societal fabric but also a woman’s security.
This social perception is what makes divorce all the more uglier because it’s not just emotionally taxing but also burdens you with societal baggage.
In such a context, wouldn’t it be heartening to see a mutual, amicable divorce? Wouldn’t it be empowering and emboldening to see divorce being normalised?
The Ideal Divorce
In a Twitter post, I saw what a graceful divorce looks like. The post read, “2 friends are getting divorced after 26 years of marriage and my god this is the NICEST divorce I’ve seen!”
The divorce was amicable, ending with a mutual understanding of security and safety. Love has ended in form, only to birth in another.
This reaffirmed my belief that divorce between people who have mutual respect has the probability to end on a better rhythm, allowing life to write another lyric. The grace, the humility, the beauty.
What I can’t ignore is the voice in my head that’s screaming, “It's a utopia, darling.” Is it? Yes, it seems surreal and appalling to associate happiness with an ending, isn’t it? How can parting leave you with a sigh, and not a sob? How? In what universe? But, that’s the beauty of utopia, best surmised by Karl Mannheim, that it’s nothing but idealised representation of what the future should look like.
If the reality of divorce is messy and ugly, we don’t have to accept it, make it a norm. The beauty of reality is it’s multiple, it co-exists with other realities. Let’s create one where divorce is not the end of the world, but just the beginning.
Views expressed by the author are their own
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