Psychology Of The 'Good Girl' Conditioning In Indian Households

From the moment a girl child is born in many Indian homes, her quiet curriculum of behaviour, identity, and sense of self is shaped. She learns sometimes gently, at times brutally, to be amiable, demure, compliant, and endlessly accommodating.

These lessons come not from any formal training; they seep in from day-to-day interactions, through how she is spoken to, what she is allowed to do, the chores assigned to her, the praise she receives, and the reprimands she is given. 

Over the years, this gets so normalised that she can barely distinguish between her real personality and the behaviour she has been trained to perform.

The consequence is not just a set of "good manners" but a deep psychological script that dictates how she views her worth, her choices over finance, and her place in the world.

It's a script that teaches her to shrink herself-to be pleasant instead of honest, obedient instead of curious, and self-sacrificing instead of self-respecting, often at the cost of her mental health and autonomy.

What we know - from data and real studies

A large survey by the Pew Research Center, conducted across India in 2019–2020 among nearly 30,000 adults, finds that traditional gender norms remain dominant.

Nearly two-thirds (about 64%) of respondents, including 61% of women, agreed that a wife must always obey her husband. 

Facts prove that the "good girl" conditioning is not anecdotal; it's systemic, supported by decades of social norms inculcated into families across India.

How "Good Girl" Conditioning Works 

Girls are brought up to be polite and to please people. Conflict avoidance becomes a taught trait, and assertiveness and dissent are discouraged.

Over time, this results in suppressed opinions, internalised guilt, fear of judgment-all hallmarks of what psychologists call internalised oppression.

In many families, major decisions about education, finances, and even marriage are controlled by elders or male members.

This suppression often carries well beyond childhood into adulthood and relationships. "Good behaviour" compliance, putting others first-becomes tied to identity.

Deviating from this becomes not just frowned upon but often branded as unfeminine, selfish, or rebellious.

Because households often expect daughters to put family and "suitable" work over ambition, girls end up being steered away from risky aspirations-especially those in fields perceived as male-dominated, or unconventional.

Over time, this limits not just career options but mental models of what's possible. 

Can This Conditioning be "Undone"?

Encouragingly, yes, but it requires conscious effort. Households that support girls' inclusion in life choices, mobility, education, and career tend to produce women with higher autonomy and better outcomes.

As more women gain legal, economic, and educational independence, old hierarchies face pressure. For example, reforms to inheritance rights in some cases have helped females gain a standing in traditional family structures. 

"Good girl" conditioning isn't harmless upbringing it is a psychological and structural trap that quiets voices, shrinks dreams, and forces many women into pre-accommodated or fixed roles. 

Girls should grow up free to ask questions, say no, and choose. Not because they rebel but because they're people, not programs.

Views expressed by the author are their own.