My Aunt Was Asked To 'Chal Ke Dekhao' During An Arranged Marriage Meeting

I was a kid when I first witnessed an arranged marriage meeting. My aunt was getting married. She was educated, good-looking and sophisticated. She had all the qualities that society wants in a good bride. Yet, I was shocked to see that the groom's family wanted my aunt to change dresses- from suit to saree- and walk in front of them without heels. The meeting went on for more than an hour just to judge if my aunt was physically fit to be their bahu. Another shocking part of this marriage was that my aunt never saw her groom until the day she got married. She burst into tears after the garlanding ceremony because she didn't like him. But did she have any option or opportunity to judge him? Unfortunately no. 

Today, my aunt is a mother of three kids and happily married. But what happened to her was not right. I would only say that she is lucky that she is happy with a husband that she doesn't even like. What if this happened to you? What if you were forced to marry a man you don't like? Would you be happy? 

How arranged marriages scan women

This is not the only arranged marriage politics that I came across. My friend who is also being presented in arranged marriage meetings confessed about her ordeal. She said that she doesn't want to get married but just because her age is 'too much' she has to agree to her family's demands. She too was asked to walk without her heels, so that the groom's family could judge her height. 

But when my friend demanded to talk to the groom, she was vehemently denied. "Zyada padh li ho" she was told by her relative who argued that the guy earns and what else we need. 

I have not been presented in an arranged marriage meeting yet. But recently my father asked me to prepare my biodata for marriage. More shocking than this was when my father asked, "What should I mention in the colour column of the biodata?" I immediately replied, "Why will I marry a man who cares about my face colour?" 

This was not it. He then went on to say that I should go to a studio for a photoshoot so that my photos have a filter on them. Never in my life have I used filters so why will I do so when it comes to making a lifetime decision? Why will I use filters to look different from how I am in reality? To fish for grooms easily, my father said. 

My parents want me to hide my mental health issues and the fact that I wear high-power glasses as these will increase the chances of getting rejected. They also asked me to reduce my weight before they start groom-hunting as it makes me look undesirable.  

In such a scenario, how could I trust my family to make the right choices for me? How could I register for an arranged marriage that judges me based on my looks?

The problem with arranged marriages in our society

There is a huge problem in how people judge women in arranged marriages. No matter how educated a woman is, everything comes down to her physicality. A woman's colour, height, walking style, her looks in a saree or suit, her expertise in cooking, taking care of family or kids and performing activities like stitching and weaving which are primarily considered necessarily feminine. If there is even one feature that the groom's family dislikes in the woman, it becomes a 'valid' reason to raise the demand for dowry. The woman has to be perfect in every angle to be married off to a good family. 

A family that judges women as wives and mothers, a family that scans women's bodies to deem them perfect, and a family that disrespects or ignores a woman's job or qualifications, is not good in any sense. Such families will only want a good-looking caretaker, and not a daughter-in-law. How long will it take for you to understand that women are more than their bodies? When will you understand that a good family for a woman is the one that respects her despite her looks?

On the other hand all that men require is a handsome salary. Women's families in our society just look at the salary of the man and decide whether he is suitable for marriage or not. This certainly imposes pressure on men to earn good enough to be considered responsible and eligible bachelors. 

So for whose benefit are these arranged marriage meetings set up? When these meetings or standards of judgement are harmful to both men and women, who is getting all the benefit? The families of course. In our society, marriages are less a union of two individuals and more a status symbol. The purpose of arranged marriages is that a family unite with another family of the same caste but a higher class. It doesn't matter if the man and the woman are happy with the union or not until families benefit from each other. The bride's family wants to take pride in having a high-earning damaad and the groom's family wants to boast about bringing home a beautiful bahu with a handsome dowry. 

But it is high time we stop making arranged marriages a space for legitimising illegal and immoral practices. Families need to prioritise the needs and happiness of their sons and daughters. They need to get over archaic beliefs and march on the modern trends. The purpose of arranged marriage should be similar to love marriages. The only difference should be that the partner is found by the family rather than the person themselves. The need for love, understanding, mutual respect and equality remains intact. 

 Views expressed are the author's own.