Why Falling Apart Became The Best Thing That Happened To Me

You know the days when the existential dread makes you numb, when the days feel like a chore and when light feels like a transparent puff of a thin smoke ring that passes away into thin air. Where happiness and true joy feel transient. 

As someone who tries her best to keep it all together all the time, I grew up embracing the idealistic image of perfection, being the straight-A, overachiever, role model for her younger sister, multi-talented, passionate and having it all figured out.

My idols were Rory Gilmore and Blair Waldorf, of course, like any young teenager, I fancied them. Their lives were like embellishments of my deepest yearnings, how perfect they were in their entirety, right from grades, to parties, to having the best groups of friends, to having the dreamiest boyfriend, being loved by everyone and having a wardrobe that the world envied. And yes, I wanted that too, for the longest time. But I guess then adutling happened, and let me tell you- it is not fun! Like at all. 

I used to believe in the timelines of existential dread, where one studied in school and college till the age of 20, and got their masters from a stellar institute by 23 and got a job that fills them with pride and gives them the means to financial independence.

I had this vision of being the one that everyone envied, looked up to and filled her parents with pride. Well, at least for the longest time, and I did- but then I was plonked onto the dearth of rock bottom, where nothing remains the same and trust me, it is not fun. I practically can hear life say- Welcome to the real world, young lady. It sucks at its core, and trust me, you are going to love it! Or at least I am trying to love it. 

When Life Falls Apart

The last few months of 2025 have been nothing short of a rollercoaster ride. There have been moments of ups and downs, where people have walked out off right of my life, I have lost the things I loved the most, I have lost opportunities, missed out on events and been treated like a bandage to be used for healing and then just ripped right off by people who I loved the most once.

Well, I felt like everything was breaking, like life was falling apart. I felt I was the only one giving it my all, loving people with the depths of my truest sincerity and giving my heart and soul to everything I do, and what did I get in return? Nights full of tears where I questioned the reckoning of my existence, and days filled with me wearing a smile that gives people no reason to doubt that I am okay, as if I could lie anymore. 

So with trying my best to keep my head above the water, of trying to be enough and yet feeling like I was not and trying to be there for everyone, I hit a point of exhaustion. When nothing inside me felt alive, I decided to look online- How can I become heartless? How can I become a person who can never be hurt or bothered by others?

And ChatGPT did give me some answers-
1) Do not share your feelings, pain or sorrow with anyone. Do not smile too much or express yourself too much 
2) Do not attend a lot of social events, keep to yourself and do not trust anyone
3) Do not share your achievements with a lot of people. 

Epiphany Through the Pain

I tried my best to implement them, but all of them turned out to be baseless. I questioned myself, maybe I am doing something wrong and went deeper into the trenches of research on becoming heartless and tried them to my core, and boom, nothing worked! It turned out to be the storm before the calm, like the night before the awakening dawn, and then one day.

It was like an epiphany that dawned on me, the realisation struck me, like the sun’s rays piercing through the ice, to enter through the tiniest crevice of the space that darkness could not embody, to radiate the gloom with hope, one that fills us with the zeal to be alive. The things I thought were my weaknesses turned out to be my biggest strengths.

Yes, I am sensitive and things do bother me, and I feel the deepest angst and depths of sadness when something goes wrong. But when a good day arises, my heart is riding on the tunes of joy and gratitude for all that I have. 

Yes, my setbacks did put me through a lot of suffering, but the gift of sensitivity bestowed me the power to understand pain and transmute it into art, into pieces that inspire many and prompt them to think deeply. It allowed me to be kinder to people because the world was once unkind to me. 

I realised my adversities were blessings in disguise because I was never meant to be heartless. I needed that hurt to learn to protect my heart from the wrong ones, to strengthen my boundaries, to love myself first, to not be attached to any external outcome or any person other than myself, and to love the ones I adore with a sense of detachment and having no expectations in return. Accepting myself for who I was led me to embrace the gift of individuality that I had. 

Article by Hridya Sharma | Views expressed by the author are their own.