Even 'Helpful' Husbands Often Overlook Mental Load Of Women

Imagine a house buzzing with birthday preparations — balloons half-hung, a cake mid-frosted, kids running around, last-minute decorations still in hand, and invitations being handed out between stove alarms and toy chaos. You’re everywhere at once, mentally ticking through a long list: Did I wrap the gift? Did I text that one parent back? Is there enough juice for all the kids? There’s a quiet panic beneath the smile — the fear of missing something important.

And then…From across the room, your husband casually looks up and says: “You should’ve asked.” Does it sound familiar? It mirrors a powerful scene from Fallait demander by Emma — a comic that captures the emotional labour women silently carry, especially in “equal” relationships. And it drives home one simple truth: delegated equality is not real equality.

The problem isn’t that men refuse to help. The problem is that women are expected to see, remember, plan, anticipate, and then delegate.

One doesn’t need to wear a blindfold to miss the chaos. They only need the privilege of not being expected to notice. Because this isn’t just about doing a task. It’s about remembering what needs to be done. It’s about planning it, anticipating others’ needs, and reminding someone else to act — sometimes even explaining how to act.

If this is what equality looks like in today’s context, it’s time we rethink what we mean by equal. Too often, men are willing to help, but not to lead. They see equality as task-sharing, but not responsibility-sharing. But if there’s no initiative, was it ever truly shared?

Women continue to be the default managers of the household; they plan, delegate, and supervise. They carry the invisible weight.
And this isn’t a corporate office. This is a family. A couple. A partnership.

Equality that depends on instruction is a disguised hierarchy. When tasks are delegated, the woman becomes the project manager, not an equal. This is the essence of cognitive labour — it’s not just logistics, it’s a constant mental marathon. Emotional attunement. Calendar-checking. Anticipating birthdays, meals, and school events. It’s the labour of thinking for everyone. And it’s almost always invisible.

The Script Was Written Long Before Us

If we want to talk about the roots of the problem, we don’t need to dig deep — just turn on any TV serial. The scripts say it all. As Judith Butler points out, gender is a social construction, and you can see that construction play out in every household scene, every family dynamic.

Women aren’t just expected to do more — they’re expected to be more. From a young age, they’re socialised into roles that revolve around emotional intelligence, attentiveness, and care. Managing the home, remembering birthdays, keeping everyone fed and functioning — it’s rarely called labour. It’s just seen as “what women do.”

Meanwhile, a man who chops vegetables or loads the dishwasher gets applause. “You’re so lucky he helps!” Even a minimal gesture is treated as heroic, not because it’s extraordinary, but because it’s still unexpected. But let’s be clear: this is not just a women’s issue — it’s a structural one.