Holi is a festival of colours but it is also one of the times when relatives gather to ask women the awaited question- "When are you getting married?" Something similar happened to me too. One of the uncles who came to greet my family for Holi began asking, rather pestering, why am I not yet ready for marriage? "Time is not gonna stop. It's already late. We should start looking for grooms now," he said. While I didn't hide my opinions behind smiles and pretentious respect for someone who is trying to make decisions in my life. Then came the burning topic of Dowry which is still common in my town. And I couldn't stay quiet this time. The uncle said that we will give lots of 'gifts' to you in marriage - a car, washing machine and whatnot. These 'gifts', he said, are for me because my family won't send me off to another house 'empty-handed'. "It's a crime," I said. It is a gift, he said. Then I smiled and replied, "Why don't groom's families give those 'gifts'?"
This discussion had not been erased from my mind when I came across another similar incident. A reel is going viral on social media in which the bride's family is seen displaying, in fact lavishly, the gifts it is offering to the groom's family. There is a stage with a microphone where the speaker is reading out the list of gifts which include Mercedes E-Class, a Fortuner, and substantial amounts of silver and gold. In response to this, the groom's family boasted about the money it is offering during Kanyadaan. This video is of a wedding in Noida, Uttar Pradesh.
After watching the reel, I felt as if it wasn't a wedding but a bidding ground where the bride and groom were on sale. The reel clearly shows the reality of marriage in India. Marriages are less about the ceremonies, love and relationships and more about the money and assets being exchanged. In many regions, marriages are fixed not on the basis of the family, the groom and the bride but on the basis of the dowry. The more a family can give in dowry, the more eligible it is for marriage. Moreover, the more rich the groom's family is, the more better it is to build relationships with it for personal benefits.
How does money rule our society?
This is happening despite the fact that the Dowry exchange was banned years ago in India. But when has the law stopped people in our society from committing crimes? The problem is with the mindset. In the capitalistic society where money means everything, the value of emotions, respect and life has gone down the drain. Until there is money, people are ready to walk on any path, no matter how immoral it is.
But here we are talking about marriage. Marriage is considered the most sacred thing in our society. The ceremonies and the relationships are considered to have divine significance. At least this is what is taught to every one of us. Marriage is supposed to bring two people together, sometimes for seven ages, who take care of each other in every situation of life. How can society be okay with bringing money into this? How can grounding a marriage on money can ever guarantee peace?
If money is so important, why don't families earn that themselves? Why don't they work and earn the money? Why do they expect it as 'gifts' from other families? Why don't families understand the difference between right money and wrong money?
Changing the definition of marriage
Many patriarchs would say that getting money through marriage is a right. Being a groom who is educated and has a government job, he is seen as eligible for demanding dowry. But no. He is eligible to earn the dowry amount himself, rather than demanding it from others. And the bride's family need to educate their daughter and empower them rather than fetching rich grooms.
So dear society, stop making marriage a business of money. Just like money is perishable, marriage too will die out, much sooner than it is supposed to. And practising dowry in marriage will make the marriage itself a crime. So what do you want? money or a lifelong label of being criminal?
Views expressed are the author's own.
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