"Ghar Time Se Wapas Aa Jana” — Dichotomy Of Care And Control

When I look back at life as a 22-year-old woman, I see the constant efforts to fit into the ‘Good Girl/Woman’ category. However, whether I have been a Good Girl or I am a Good Woman or not, the decision rests in the hands of the judgemental society that constitutes family, friends, relatives and acquaintances.

Modern Indian society constitutes of educated, financially independent women. However, their freedom still remains a question.

Overt Sexism refers to unequal and harmful sexist practices based on the societal construction of gender. These practices are easily visible and always done intentionally. For example, a girl child is killed, a girl child is pulled out of school, women are asked to look after the household, and women are expected to eat at last and the least among many.

On the other hand, Covert Sexism refers to unequal and harmful sexist practices that are hidden and remain unnoticed because of the social and cultural ways of life. For instance, families would want their girl child to have a job in the home city as she can be easily protected, or women would be asked to return home on time (time se ghar wapas aa jana being a common statement).

Women and subtle sexism:  Dichotomy of Care and Control

The family structure often ‘controls’ women in the name of safety and care. The social and cultural norms that promote women to be indoors eventually lead to ingrained subtle sexism. The family structure eventually takes the shape of a ‘panopticon’, a concept introduced by Jeremy Bentham.

‘Panopticon’ is a disciplinary concept in which a tall tower stands at the centre from where all the prison cells are observable. The male associates of the family become the prison guards who track the movements of the women day and night.

Public spaces aren’t considered safe for women because of ">objectification and obsession with their bodies. Women’s bodies become a site of oppression and violence through sexual harassment and rape. However, the oppression and violence, both physical and mental, being operated indoors often remain unnoticed.

Women’s bodies are either controlled by the male associates in the family or the men in public spaces. The existence of both the former and the latter doesn’t give women the independence to access public spaces freely. The former restricts women in the name of care, while the latter restricts women in the name of fear.

Thus, when families regulate the movement of women, it is considered to be completely normal and non-sexist as it is done to ensure the women’s safety and is done for their love and care.

The Dichotomy of Dissent and Difficulty

In any kind of relationship, whether familial, emotional or romantic, women are expected to be either passive and obliged or assertive and ungrateful. If a woman tries to draw boundaries in relationships, she is assertive about her choice of things and ends up being labelled ungrateful.

Contrary to this, when a woman answers all the necessary and unnecessary questions, obliges to her family's wishes and follows her male associates' instructions, she falls into the ‘Good Woman’ category. She is passive in her life choices and grateful for things provided to her by her family, ‘even on being a woman’.

The act of dissent for women is closely associated with difficulty. Women are often raised with seeds of ingrained guilt.

With time, the seeds grow into plants of ingrained guilt. It is important to look into how ingrained guilt functions. For instance, I want to watch a night show at a theatre. Being a passive and obliged girl, I will ask for permission. If I don’t get permission, I might think of doing it anyway if I have the liberty to do so. However, the ingrained guilt will not allow me to go for the show in the first place. Secondly, even if I go for the show, I will not be able to enjoy it due to my guilt, as it would constantly make me question my choices. And this is how dissent comes with difficulty for many women.

Education, employment, and healthcare are restricted categories for women’s welfare. The fun or pleasure aspect often gets blinded. The freedom to walk in a city with one’s choice of clothes at any time of the day is a necessity. On the night of March 25, a 19-year-old woman was raped by four men for sitting in a park with a male friend at 3 am in the morning. Often, the act of seeking fun or pleasure is followed by the act of violence by the misogynists and patriarchs, eventually making the foundation of subtle sexism concrete for regulating the movement of women in the name of care and protection.

Sexism has always been the foot shackles for women. From survival to education, employment and independence, no woman would have made this journey without facing sexism. When I look at the semi-modern or modern Indian society I belong to, I get rattled by subtle sexism. Every decision in my life is made or dropped, taking into consideration my gender. My access to public space is highly regulated by where, how and when. Answering these questions and many more becomes tedious on some days when the intention is to regulate my freedom.

Aneela (she/her) is a final year Master's student of Women's Studies at Tata Institute of Social Science. Views expressed by the author are their own.

Feature Photograph: Aijaz Rahi/AP

Suggested Reading: Why Loiter: Women In Public Spaces Are A Threat To Men Everywhere