Mai Spotlights Societal Expectations Women Deal With Even When They Are Mourning

When my father passed away, on the fourth day after the cremation, I was sitting alone on the steps of my parents’ house getting a little respite from all rituals, the enormity of the tragedy finally dawned on me and tears started flowing. My maternal uncle (mama) sat down near me and asked me what was bothering me. I told him, “From the day we cremated Baba I did not get a moment to sit and greave.”

He said “These rituals are made for this very reason. The bereaved family is not left alone and rituals keep them busy so that the initial shock of losing a loved one is over after 10 day-mourning period.” And on the 13th day, the family is supposed to invite people and mix and go back to living.

I remembered this when I was watching Mai, Sheel Choudhary (Sakshi Tanwar) has lost her daughter to an accident (which she later finds out was not an accident and is on a hunt for the real culprits) and there are guests and friends in her house who have come to convey their condolences and she is seen standing in the kitchen preparing tea for everyone. She doesn’t realise when the tea boils over or was it her emotions boiling over. I wondered if she was feeling the same as me.

Social media debate

There is an ongoing debate on this scene. One social media user shared a picture of Sheel standing in the kitchen preparing tea and wrote “Life of a lot of women”. It depicts women having to perform their 'kitchen' duties even amidst the grief of their child's (or any other loved one’s) death. While some say “Whoever made this Ad was as clueless about Indian customs as you are. You will never find a grieving mother or any other grieving person entering the kitchen. Neighbours or relatives do it.”

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Agreed in most cases it’s the neighbours and relatives who offer to send tea and meals to the bereaved family and no family member is allowed to enter the kitchen and cook, but in many households sadly that’s not the truth. They say they have seen their mothers, sisters and aunts in the kitchen during mourning.

One netizen replying to the tweet wrote “Sad truth for which most of us will turn our eyes shut.” Another said, “Serve the guests. Complete the customs. Make arrangements for people who ‘show up to share condolences’. The strangest part about death is that you never even get to grieve without feeling guilty.” While one user expressed her anger and said “the rage I feel every time I remember I had to do this can probably power an entire city.”

Why is this expected of a woman?

Another Twitter user wrote, “It's not only about things being faced by a woman but also the fact why she has to do that. It's the people in this 'society' who were expecting tea at a funeral that disturb my sanity the most. Not just from this still but also personal experience”.

While a woman user wrote “Unfortunately, that's how women live a life. Every single person taught them to 'Be emotionless and work like robots' especially when they get married because for them that's how women should behave and live in society for sake of family.” The idea that women during their grief should not forget their duties is the most disturbing. Really? Aren’t they human?

Societal Expectations Women Deal With: Why this debate is important

We must have seen it in our own families and in families around us for years. So much so, that somehow in our non-ending comfort, we have managed to normalise it. But Mai highlights this and has started a conversation at least about the burden of ‘sanskaar’ that we expect women in our families to carry because the rest of us are too lazy to get up and make a cup of tea or serve the guests. Everything that has to do with the home is the woman’s responsibility. Can we ask ‘why?’ for a change?

And as a netizen says, “Pl don’t expect tea at a grieving home!”

The views expressed are the author's own.