Excerpt: Tanisha Rao's 'You're Somebody's Kink' Is An Exploration Of Sex & Play

What is a 'kink' if not a form of intimacy labelled strange or inappropriate by people far removed from the act itself? Why are certain expressions of sex considered acceptable, while others are judged or dismissed? In the book You’re Somebody’s Kink, Tanisha Rao seeks to answer this and many other difficult questions around desire and pleasure. 

Tanisha is a queer essayist and Chief of Social Voice at Sangya Project, India’s first sex-tech manufacturer and an adult pleasure brand committed to trauma-informed, inclusive sex education.

They invite readers to detach shame from play and redefine affirming and healthy sex through vulnerable storytelling and provocative insights into the world of kinks, fetishes, and BDSM.

Using candid interviews with vanilla couples, curious kinksters, and experienced BDSM practitioners, the book offers a thoughtful and engaging look at sex from many perspectives.

Book Excerpt: You’re Somebody’s Kink

While Ananta had been turning down all talks of marriage, Yama had become smitten with her. In a private conversation without any eavesdropping relative in sight, Yama had asked her about her dreams of the future, and she had spoken about a desire to work and be independent while also supporting her family. For Yama, this conversation was enough to light a spark in him. Ananta's zest for a life beyond the one she had been conditioned and trained for had filled him with hope, and he was excited to be a part of her journey of self-exploration. In the months that followed, both families encouraged them to stay in touch over phone calls. Yama would call and shyly open up about his own life, while Ananta would remain unpleasant through the conversation to slow down all talks of marriage. But speaking with Yama's mother on the phone had softened her, and Yama's conversations about the future they could build together had been refreshing.

The two talked about their dreams and experiences, but rarely ever did the chat turn to themes of domesticity or child-rearing as most newly matched couples were expected to discuss at this stage. Yama told her about his life in Gujarat, the social experiences he'd had there, and asked if she had ever been in love before. Unwilling to give him something to look forward to, she refused to admit her lack of relationship experiences. On one occasion when Yama was visiting her, he held her hand as they talked, and she felt butterflies for him for the first time. Still, she kept it bottled up her exams were a month away and this was no time to give Yama or her family any hope about a wedding in their future. As Yama accompanied her on the three-hour journey to her exam centre and back, their bond strengthened, and about six months later, Ananta had finally agreed to marry him.

The couple turns their camera off. I hear Yama ask Ananta to tell me about their engagement month in more detail. More coy whispers are exchanged between the two before they resume their story.

'We went to watch Avatar after I insisted on meeting her more in person. I think it was my way of seeing if she would rebel for herself and if she could draw boundaries with her family. It also felt weird to me to marry someone I had not even kissed or held in my arms yet. The theatre was very cold and no one else was there. We sat close to stay warm. That was when we had our first kiss and I can tell you with confidence that neither of us knows anything about Avatar, Yama tells me, now giggling even more giddily than Ananta. Almost like an echo, Ananta's laugh follows as she exclaims, 'I loved the movie!'

I was so afraid of telling her about my exes or my relationship history, because I thought it would make her act possessive of me too. I even worried about her using my past against me in any argument we would have. But I had slowly started picking her brain to see how she viewed love, relationships, and the idea of ownership. Ananta saw the world exactly as I did. I had met so many self-proclaimed progressive women out there who would become possessive and controlling in relationships even when you stayed honest and exclusive with them, but here was a Dalit girl with no relationship experience, and she immediately agreed that ownership of each other would be the death of love. We even talked about open relationships and threesomes. That is when I realised that I had really found my Dalit best friend.'

'We started talking more about sex, BDSM, and group sex, and watched porn together as a couple. I asked him all my questions and for the first time in my life, I didn't feel judged for asking. I had someone who was excited to answer my questions and discover things with me. Then we talked a lot based on our imagination and let each other fantasise about sleeping with other people. It was so nice to try that before actually trying something in person. Then we tried some dating apps like 3F to meet people for threesomes. Most of the guys there were okay with having sex with other people but would not want to share their own partners.'

As the couple spoke to men on the app, many seemed to be happy to be the bull to other couples but would be quick to judge the husband whose wife they were excited to sleep with. They would be quick to patronise Ananta, even going so far as to warn her to be careful and rethink why her husband felt so comfortable with her sleeping with other men. Had Ananta claimed to be cheating on her husband, the men might have been more understanding.

Extract from Tanisha Rao's 'You're Somebody's Kink', published by Simon and Schuster India.