On World Sexual Health Day, Inside A Woman’s Bedroom And Mind

Yes, women often fake the “headache” when they are not enjoying sex with their partner. But maybe it’s time to shift the lens to the real issue: the lack of access to information on how to arouse her. Patriarchy has deviously placed the burden on women to keep men happy with their cooking, coddling, and desirability, even after a long day of washing dishes. All this while overlooking her ravaged body, forever changed by childbirth and hormonal fluctuations. The biggest lie of all is that sex is only about penetration.

Women are often seen as cold and sexless, without anyone questioning the reasons behind the faked—or sometimes entirely imagined—headache.

The female pleasure gap

There are good men who genuinely want to give pleasure to their partners, but there is a glaring absence of honest literature on how to arouse a woman. Equally important is a woman’s agency to embrace herself as a sexual being, and to see sex as an experience of pleasure, not just procreation.

Too often, women feel pressured to hold on to a relationship through their bodies. Each time their partner desires them, they feel obliged to comply, fearful that saying no might lead to infidelity.

For once, let’s relegate the penis to its rightful place during sex. It is not the only organ that matters for a woman’s pleasure. What she needs is safety, kindness, and an understanding of her body image, distorted by advertisements and pornography that zoom in on airbrushed, makeup-coated vaginas, setting impossible standards in stone. Men need to be taught that their hands, tongues, and awareness of a woman’s hormonal cycle are just as vital as their phallic prowess in creating a mutually enjoyable experience.

Even today, many women have never experienced an orgasm with their partners. Many are too frightened to even ask for pleasure, fearing they’ll be seen as demanding or “loose.” Others experience pain during intercourse and grow fearful of sex altogether. All of this falls under the umbrella of “female sexual dysfunction” (FSD). If women spoke openly, without the fear of labels, most would admit to experiencing one or more of these issues.

Recent studies from 2024 highlight significant rates of FSD in India, with common symptoms including loss of desire, painful intercourse, and lack of lubrication. Yet the gap in diagnosis and treatment remains wide: only 11.1% of doctors report regularly seeing FSD patients, and many lack the training or confidence to provide meaningful counseling. To make matters worse, women often carry the heavy emotion of shame, unable to admit that they do not enjoy sex.

With all honesty, women have earned a PhD in pretending to enjoy sex. Over time, they’ve mastered the art of fakingthe perfect pitch of moans, masking disinterest with vocal enthusiasm. Perhaps that’s why women make such great cheerleaders.

Every exaggerated moan, every feigned sentence of encouragement, is really just massaging a fragile male ego, assuring him he is “good at sex.”

My writing this article is about willingly putting myself at the altar of strangers who will now judge my character. But menopause has totally killed my need for pleasing the male gaze or the approval.

Mohua Chinappa is an author, poet and runs two podcasts, The Literature Lounge and The Mohua Show.