'Don't Tell Me To Calm Down!': Unpacking The Stigma Around Female Anger

"Oh, know your place! Dial your tone down! Don't be too loud and audacious, woman; it is uncouth and outrageous! Who will ever want to talk to you or listen to your rants about feminism if you speak with rage and impoliteness? You are a woman, know your place." Oh, my apologies, let me clothe my words in the most radiant and melodious cacophonies of sweet words, wrapped in a pink ribbon, and gift them to you with a quiet smile and submissive eyes. Would you also like a glass of being suppressed by man’s opinions and a red velvet cake served with patriarchal notions to go with it?

No? Great. I find it enraging and unbearable that women are told not to show rage and talk with softness while there are many of us suffering at the hands of patriarchy. While I was advised to put my points across to the male gender less assertively, some women got raped for just going with her friends, some girls just got child trafficked, some girls just had an unsafe abortion, and another got sexually assaulted. 

We live in a world where all of this has become so common and untalked about, like it is some mundane fight that happens while we travel for work and school, and we choose to ignore it. But the truth is, these things happen more than we can ever fathom, and telling women not to be enraged about it, when we are being deprived of basic rights, is so blasphemous.

From Silence to Outrage: Exploring the Roots of Our Collective Rage

Anger is a powerful emotion that can lead to the metamorphosis that society calls for, but the world we live in demeans women for showing anger. Somehow, displaying anger as a woman is something uncalled for; it is regarded as a dirty emotion that we are not permitted to show, and if we do express our rage, we are called uncouth, too manly, not sweet enough to be desirable. 

As women, we are expected to be nice, sweet, generous, quiet to have us around, and if we are not like this, we are negated of our existence to be deemed as fit for the societal stances. Often told to stand down and told we are being too dramatic, we are sarcastically asked, 'Are you PMSing?', or told, 'Oh, it must be the hormones.'

Because, as a normal woman, showing anger is considered an abnormality in our functioning. Crimes against women are happening every second, yet all they care about is my tone. There are so many issues that spark outrage in my psyche; anger is an extension of how passionately I feel about these occurrences. 

We as women feel angry because someone else might have faced ‘women's issues’ somewhere in the world, because some women have been deprived of their basic rights, and because our rights are still regarded as debatable topics. There are men on the internet who talk about how difficult it is to be a man, and I agree that everyone has their own set of challenges. But imagine being a woman who was deprived of their rights to live, having no access to education and living in a country that has no respect for women’s rights.

We know that there are nations like these that exist. And surprisingly, when women become vocal about their rights, men on the internet do not like it. They do not like hearing about how often we feel unsafe as women. How do we have to take several safety checks just before we leave the house? How do we make sure our girlfriends reach home safely? How do we stay hyperaware of our surroundings so that we are not sexually harassed or groped? How do we never leave our drinks unattended for the fear of being sexually assaulted or taken advantage of? No, they don't like hearing about all of that. And somehow we again end up being called deranged or delusional about our anger and expression. 

I will speak in my rage unapologetically- debunking shame around women’s anger

I have often been asked, "Why are you acting so crazily? Why are you so angry all the time?" Like I am a porcelain china doll who needs to smile all the time. I am expressing anger, which is a normal human emotion, and you are calling me deranged for functioning like a normal human adult? Maybe it is you who is the one who needs help. Being able to openly talk with passion and criticise is a privilege only men possess till today, especially in the society we live in. If a woman attempts a similar tone, she is too emotional, too bossy, too cocky and too outrageous. 

There is something so authentic about an outspoken woman that irritates the demons and rubs off the ego in the wrong way. Maybe it is the patriarchal conditioning or the decline in the locus of control that they possessed that makes them mad. But whatever it is, this vicious cycle has to stop.

As long as women’s rights are still regarded as a debatable topic, we should not feel sorry for being angry and expressing our rage audaciously. We live not sugarcoating our struggle against patriarchy just to be digestible by society, and no, we live not serve our trauma with vanilla coating, to be too bendable when our rights are being stripped out of our humanity. 

I know anger is a powerful emotion, one that can propel institutions to change their foundational stance, one that can wage wars and inspire movements of empowering the voices of women that were once never heard. Women are not quite and meekly submissive beings who nod their heads and do not keep their stance in big matters. We are powerful beings who have minds of our own and can unapologetically keep their partakes, ones that hold the authority to ride conversations and force people to think deeper.

I know I certainly will speak with rage, command the respect I deserve and talk with passion about the things that make people ponder about things beyond the surface, and I hope you do too.

Authored by Hridya Sharma | Views expressed by the author are their own.