Solo Dating And Choosing Me: A Love Story I Never Knew I Needed

You know you are healing when you no longer have the urge to pick every battle and argue your way to a win, when you no longer need to prove your worth to others, or boast about how perfect your life is for social media validation. Trust me when I say this: I have been on the other end of the spectrum, where everything I did, every achievement I had, every cute outfit I wore, and every move I made was carefully curated for the approval and love of others. I tried so hard to fit in that standing out was a nightmare for me. I cried at the end of a length of several days when I was left excluded or when someone said something mean to me. 

The Endless Chase for Validation

I saw my worth as a reflection in the eyes of those around me, how pleased they were to have me, and how included they would make me feel. I lived as a robot who loved to keep others warm even when my house was frosted with ice. And truth be told, if it would genuinely make me happy, I would have continued to do so, to embrace the performative dance of forever pleasing others, chase male validation, and be a vision of beauty that allured other people.

​But as you must have guessed by now, it did not make me happy; in fact, it made me feel miserable.

It left a hole inside me, a void no achievement, or external event, a lover, attention from the cutest guy, or a friend could ever fill. Because when you do not find a home within yourself, the one that gives you warmth when the outside world is burning, then even a palace of exquisite love can feel soulless. 

I tried many things to fill that void. I tried dating random guys, I tried making myself prettier while using makeup, I tried going out to events more, I tried overachieving, making new friends, changing my entire personality, guess what, nothing worked. It all gave me a sense of high and a dopamine spike for a fleeting moment, and then I was back to feeling the doom that was impending in the hind. I was not myself for a very long time. 

Then I started reading books, trying to understand myself on a deeper level and knowing where all of this is stemming from, and I started watching a lot of self-help content, where I came across the concept of solo dating, and honestly, it changed my life.

The Turning Point: Learning to Date Myself

In simpler terms, solo dating is the act of taking yourself out on a date to a movie, a cafe, or a simple stroll in the park and spending quality time with yourself. It does not need to be in an extravagant setting; the idea is to spend time by yourself and understand your psyche on a deeper level. 

I started going alone to restaurants for lunches and dinners, I started going to movies alone, to cafes alone, and at first, it felt overwhelming. I felt like everyone was judging me, like they were pitying me for not having anyone to spend time with, and how lonely I was. 

But with time, I started feeling more comfortable in my skin, I started falling in love with taking my books and reading or working in cafes with a cute cup of coffee, and just being with myself in my solitude and not out of loneliness.

Sometimes, I would hold my beverage and observe people from a distance, how they spent their days in the cafe, some working, some reading, some talking to their friends, and whilst others just spent quality time with themselves. 

This gave a newer perspective. I learnt the word Sonder, where we all are experiencing the humane realm of mortality as a collective and have similar mundane experiences, yet all of us live our journeys so individually, unique to one another.

​We are a speck in the entirety of the universe, and yet here we are holding onto things that would not matter in a few years. The more I spent time solo dating, the more the realisation dawned on me that there was nothing inherently wrong with me, at who I was at my core. 

I was not unlovable or unlucky; I am selectively social, and it takes time for me to open up to people. As I spent more time with myself, taking myself out for these dates, I fell in love with who I am. 

Yes, I am not perfect, I have insecurities that rear their heads from time to time, I make a lot of mistakes, but they are all mine, and who makes me, me! It made me grateful for all that I had and how my timeline is the only one that truly matters.

​Solo dating made me choose me, and not out of pity or the unavailability of someone else, but truly because it made me happy.  There is nothing more beautiful than learning more about who you are, accepting what was and what is, and falling in love with the beauty of your life.

Authored by Hridya Sharma | Views expressed by the author are their own.