The Rise Of LAT: How Modern Love Is Breaking Traditional Norms

Know what? It’s kinda nice to be labelled sometimes. A big “phew” in fact, because now all I have to do is go “LATs the way, aha aha, I like it, aha aha” (due apologies to KC and The Sunshine Band peeps)! And hope no more “innocently intrusive queries” come my way. 

Welcome to the LATeral way of life, where my relationship status is best summed up as LAT! Single, but not single – just LAT: Living Apart Together. So, I choose to identify as a LATina - that’s totally a label I give myself from now on. The stuff is not new though, guys, it’s been there forever, it just didn’t have a label.  

An article in the TIME magazine defined LAT as “an intentional decision to inject more independence into a relationship by having separate living arrangements,” claiming that over 4m Americans have changed their living arrangements to LAT in the past two decades. That’s to say not separated, not LDR – just LAT where “cohabitation is not the fulcrum of the relationship,” instead couples take into account “practical work considerations” and mutually opt for different locations.

The Paradox of LAT: Closer Because We’re Apart

According to a sociology study, couples who end up choosing such a sociodemographic living dynamic, bond better, distance does make the heart grow fonder as “the separation allows them to focus on hobbies, socializing, travelling, bonding with friends and family in a way that suits them without having to compromise on personal growth and space in any way.”

Personally, I’d say it’s a new kind of experience, but one that is growing on me. What’s interesting is that as a Free Bird (NOT empty nester – coz that’s just such a pathetic term) – I am now getting things off my bucket list like no one’s business. 

Last year I did the advanced yoga training in Goa, then I went on my very first all-girls trip to the stunning Kaas plateau in Maharashtra, going on to publish my first short story after attending a 6-month long creative writing workshop, among other things – I painted my very first mega size canvas (a vibrant Madhubani), stayed with my BFF in Singapore, did a course on feminism in Mumbai, signed up for a month-long mindfulness retreat in Uttarakhand, negotiated the hustle and bustle of Sydney streets, explored Malaysia with my Philipino cabbie, explored a very different kind of LAT in the gym with my millennial PT and finally caught up with my DPS RKP mates after years of being what is sadly called a “trailing spouse” -- it was fantastic all the continent hopping with fam, but you do get a little cut off from your childhood buds. 

It’s all come a full circle now with the three of us – mom, dad and son – doing their own thing in three different locations. Real-time catch-ups happen whenever the urge strikes, thanks to the flexible WFH arrangements. FaceTime is like our go-to, making daily connections very alive. 

Basically, it gives all of us just the right amount of distance where loneliness doesn’t creep in; instead the ideal “alone time” nurtures what Maslow called self-actualisation. Being a journalist, my zen zone is my bookshelves lined work room where I spend time equally with Han Kang, Gaur Gopal Das, Adam Grant and Elif Shafak, Shashi Tharoor and P G Wodehouse! 

Interestingly, as my husband stereotypically figures out the masalas in the kitchen, as I figure out managing my finances and our Gen Zer learns the logistics of grocery shopping, we’re all pushed out of our comfort zones. The struggle can get frustrating sometimes but then each time we cross a hurdle the ‘glimmer” stays as one more life lesson learnt, one more battle won, one more reason to smile! From the perspective of the “glass-half-full” school of thought, daily learnings propel the desire to explore newer avenues. In tune with that, husband’s taken up public speaking as a side hustle, son’s joined a run club and Italian classes, while I’ve gone full-on crazy “Tu Tu Du Du…” stanning Formula One. 

The one thing we figured out which does the “Oxytocin high” for us is that whenever all of us are together the first thing we do is plan when we are meeting next and book the tickets right away. Keeps the excitement going and just pumps up the daily adrenaline as we go about our work in happy anticipation. 

Marriage psychologists highlight the sense of individuality that LAT nourishes away from the sometimes, overpowering influence of extended families in an orthodox set-up. The power of choice and independence that LAT entails actually makes you cherish precious moments together even as you get to pursue your own unique lifestyle.

What matters is the commitment to shared family values, open communication, mutual understanding on fundamentals like finance and child care, responsible relationship ethics and alignment in life/family goals. 

Marriage someone once said is not a noun, it’s a verb -- a work in progress that brings new meaning to life. With LAT we’re once again at the threshold of possibilities. Did I say its easy. NO. Nothing’s easy. The plot twist of the story of your life is just another opportunity to know yourself better, delve deeper, heal, radiate, face fears, reflect, believe, collide, create – and after all that marvel at how far you’ve come with gratitude. 

I mean, I did not know I could hold a low plank for 5 min flat! I did not know I could actually finish a book in one day! I did not know I could come up with my own protein rich vegan cake recipe! I didn’t know I had this soul connect with feral cats and I certainly did not know that I could work on my own terms on things I am passionate about. 

Moral of the story: yes, it’s a leap of faith – this LAT thingie – but it’s also the magic of new beginnings that happens only after crossing the comfort zone. LAT’s go! 

Views expressed by the author are their own.