Can Hyper-Independence Kill Your Joy? How 'Real' Strength Can Look Different

It’s 9 am and you have a packed day ahead. A PTA meeting to attend, a PowerPoint presentation at a board meeting, and the domestic help hasn’t turned up. You are overwhelmed, but not ready to admit it, even to yourself. You take pride in being self-reliant and making choices for yourself. But you’ve probably missed the subtle difference between being independent and being hyper-independent. 

You tell yourself, “I’m strong, I’m capable, I’ve got this.” Most times, you may have been on top of the situation. But if you are carrying exhaustion disguised as resilience, you need to pause and ask why you do not consider seeking help. Is it because you’ve had a bad experience in the past, or you feel vulnerable, or simply because doing it all singlehanded is the narrative you’ve internalised?

Why We Go It Alone

Look closely, and you’ll see it everywhere: The Superwoman title conferred on the woman juggling a demanding job, family needs, friendships, and social expectations—while wearing a smile that says, “I’m fine.” The colleague who never asks for help, convinced that vulnerability is a weakness. The social feeds we scroll through, filled with stories of hustle, grit, and “handling your own business” like a superhero.

This story is woven from generations of inherited survival strategies. Our parents, grandparents, and ancestors lived through scarcity, upheaval, and uncertainty. They learned to push forward no matter what, to never pause or ask for help, because to show vulnerability felt unsafe or even dangerous. My mother’s constant refrain, “If I don’t do it, who will?” echoed so strongly that I indeed believed it was my legacy to carry forward.

For many women, especially, hyper-independence became the only way to claim respect in spaces that don’t always honour softness, caregiving, or asking for support. We live in a world where to be valuable means being productive, to be loved means being competent, and to be safe means shouldering the burden alone.

Across boardrooms and kitchen tables alike, the unspoken rule is: handle your burdens quietly and prove yourself. Strength is seen in endurance; struggle is seen as weakness. One woman told me, “It’s like running a marathon with a mountain on my back. Everyone
sees me moving forward and calls it strength, but inside I’m just trying not to collapse.”

This hidden weight wears on your body and mind, quietly draining your energy and spirit.

What Hyper-Independence Feels Like

You might recognise these signs:

• Your shoulders are tight with tension, your mind racing with “what ifs,” and your
• Heart quietly aching beneath the surface.
• Saying “no” feels impossible—it might mean losing control, disappointing others, or admitting you’re not enough.
• You push yourself to exhaustion but feel guilt the moment you slow down.
• You are lonely, not because you want to be alone, but because the armour you wear to protect yourself also keeps connection at bay.
• You crave rest, but rest feels unsafe. You long for joy, but it slips through your fingers like sand.

A New Way to See Strength: The Threefold Healing Path

From my experience, I’ve learned this: hyper-independence isn’t strength. It’s survival. Staying afloat. It’s a surefire way to burn out. While it takes effort and creativity to survive, we are meant to transcend survival to explore life’s infinite possibilities that bring us fulfilment, joy and lightness of being.

Healing isn’t about pushing harder or “fixing” yourself. It’s about embracing your whole self—the body, the mind, and the spirit.

• Your body holds the tension of guarding, bracing for overwhelm. It longs for safe spaces to release, to breathe deeply, and simply rest without judgment.
• Your mind carries old stories that say, “I must do it all,” or “Asking for help is weakness.” These mental patterns need gentle questioning, rewriting, and compassion.
• Your spirit craves connection, trust, and belonging beyond performance. It longs to be heard, nurtured, and valued for simply being—not doing.

Imagine healing like a three-legged stool: if one leg is weak or missing, you can’t find balance. When body, mind, and spirit come into harmony, survival gives way to sustainable strength.

True strength is not the weight you carry alone. It’s the courage to lower your armour, lean into support, and invite vulnerability without fear.

What Would It Mean to Let Down Your Armour?

Pause for a moment and reflect: where in your life do you feel the pressure to “do it all” alone? What survival stories have shaped your definition of strength—do they still serve you? What if you could take one small step towards freedom today?

Maybe it’s saying “no” to something that drains your energy. Maybe it’s reaching out to one person and asking for help, or simply noticing how your body feels when you carry this weight.

The bravest act is to stop for a moment, breathe, and let yourself be seen—completely and without apology, especially when the urge is to run faster. 

We share this story of hyper-independence but rarely speak aloud. Let’s rewrite this narrative. Your true strength is not in doing it all alone. It’s in knowing when to lean in—to others and, most importantly, to yourself. You do not have to do it alone. You do not have to do it all. Say this a hundred times a day. Your voice matters here.

Authored by Saiyami Juvekar, Your Wellbeing Therapist; Founder of Your Wellbeing Hive; Creator of the Threefold Wellbeing Blueprint. Views expressed by the author are their own.