Peace And Pornstar: Why Must Women Be The Selfless Provider In Marriage?

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Marriage should’ve been a bond of equals. But in our society, it is often a bond between a master and a service provider. Men become the masters, women the service providers. In fact women are selfless in a marriage. Men become the centre of focus while women’s lives revolve around them. If I am wrong then can someone explain the idea behind calling husbands pati parmeshwar? Or the idea of asking women to serve their husbands to have a propitious death?

In our society, women are indoctrinated with the belief that serving their husbands is their ultimate duty and destiny. Serving a husband is not the usual care and love that comes with marriage. It is literally a selfless service that has no returns or equality. Women are made to serve their husbands as they are the parmeshwara and women are the daasis.

Recently, my colleague shared a tweet which perfectly explained the unequal dynamics that go on in marriages in our society. The tweet, shared by username Usisi Nandi, read, “Be his peace and his pornstar”. The tweet clearly mentioned how women have to do the emotional labour of sustaining the marriage and the sexual service to keep their husbands satisfied.

But what about the peace of women? What about the sexual pleasures of women? Why aren’t they valued n the space of marriage?


Both on a social and personal level, women are the ones who make sacrifices in marriage. They have to keep their husbands calm and composed and also give them the right to have all the demands fulfilled in bed. Women themselves never expect their husbands to provide peace or sexual pleasure. They internalise the fact that husbands are not responsible for their wives’ well-being and desires.

It is because of these reasons that since childhood women are never allowed to express their desires and emotions.

They are asked to control themselves as it is not womanly to either express their emotions or desires. If women vent out their emotions, they are either labelled as frail or irresponsible to ignore their duties of taking care of others rather than prioritising themselves. And if they express their desires, they are quickly turned into a characterless woman for being interested in sex.

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A still from film Thappad

But dear society, if it is fair for men to lose their calm, and be angry or sad, then why not women? If it is okay for men to be interested in sex then why not women? Why is it always women who have to fake a smile in front of their family members? Why must women give up their desires in bed and devote their lives to fulfilling their husbands’?

Selfless in a marriage

I am not saying that men have all the right to express their emotions. They too are expected to fake a smile in front of family members. But the piled-up emotions are vented out on their wives in the closed rooms. Men feel free to burden their emotional distress on their wives and expect them to do something to keep them calm. It is their wives who have to understand their emotional condition and act according to them.

Most of the time, sex happens between a couple only to bring back the calm of the husband which is very problematic because the consent of the woman is not cared about. In fact, the line between consent and selfless service becomes blurred in this situation.

But when it comes to women and emotional well-being, they cannot depend on anyone. They have to take care of it themselves and sometimes lose their capacity to bear it and go down the drain of depression and other mental health issues. Moreover, unsatisfied sexual life also harms their well-being as orgasm is an important part of good mental and physical health.

Why is this disparity normal in marriage? Why should women suppress their emotions and be selfless while men depend on women for everything? If it is a sign of a mature person to be able to control one’s emotions, then why aren’t men expected to do that? And if it is normal to express emotions and be dependent on life partners for support, then why can’t women do that? If marriage is a space of support, love and understanding, why are women left out?

Views expressed are the author’s own.