Dear Parents, Don't Make Wedding A Do-Or-Die Situation For Women

Our only wish is that you get married, and then we can die in peace. How many of us have faced such pressure to marry from our parents and grandparents? I am not trying to make you emotional by imagining your parents’ death. But is it fair to use such emotional coercion to convince women to get married before they planned to? Is it fair to make marriage a do-or-die situation for women?

A daughter’s wedding is a huge responsibility for parents in our society. This is because daughters are seen as paraya dhan who must be sent away to their real home as soon as possible. Moreover, an unmarried woman is often seen as a khuli tijori that can be robbed of her izzat if she is kept unguarded in her parental home. Moreover, many orthodox parents believe that performing kanyadaan is the most righteous deed that a person can do. So parents automatically want to be in that group of blessed people before the end of their lifeline. A daughter's wedding is often the last responsibility that parents feel they must complete so that they can spend the remainder of their life tension free.

But the question is that why is the responsibility of getting a daughter married bigger than the duty to educate her, empower her and respect her choices?

Indian parents use diverse and weird ways to convince their daughters to marry. Some use power and domination to push their daughters into a marriage. While others use milder ways like making them understand the importance of a life partner, how life can be miserable without a husband and how every parent deserves the happiness of sending their daughter off to her marital home.

But dear parents, though you are right in your concerns and dreams about your daughter’s wedding, you falter by superimposing your emotions on your daughters. Does this concern come from a sense of protectiveness for your daughter, or a compulsion to obtain social approval by fulfilling your prescribed set of responsibilities? If you are concerned about your daughter’s life, educate and empower them enough so that they don’t need anyone for a happily ever after. And so that they can marry for love, not financial security.

A still from Bareilly Ki Barfi.

Many parents are in a hurry to marry off their daughters because society tells them that if she remains unmarried for a long time, "Ladki hath se nikal jaegi." If society finds unmarried women’s character questionable, it doesn’t mean you doubt your daughters or their upbringing. If patriarchal predators target unmarried women, you cannot snatch your daughter’s freedom to step out without a mangalsutra.

Suggested Reading: Sushmita Sen Talks Adoption, Marriage, Her Father's Aid; Why Parental Support Is Crucial?

As far as seeing daughter's wedding as their last wish is concerned, why can’t parents be happy to see their daughters turning out into independent individuals instead? Why isn't a daughter's success enough for parents to stop seeing her as a liability? When they will start financially supporting you, wouldn’t all your efforts in raising your daughters seem perfectly paid off?

Again, I am not saying that parents should not think about their daughter’s wedding. But they should not impose that thought on the daughter and force her in a do-or-die situation. If a daughter is willing to marry, then well and good. Both the daughter’s and the parent’s wishes are fulfilled with a happy ending. But if the daughter doesn’t want to marry, then parents must not make her feel guilty about her decision. As if she is robbing them of relief in life and burdening their existence with worries.

Parents’ primary concern should be to see their daughters independent and happy. Whether the daughter gains that within or without marriage, should not make any difference. Forcing a daughter into marriage just for the sake of appeasing society and getting rid of responsibilities will never gain parents the happiness and satisfaction at the deathbed that they think they will. Neither will the daughter be happy nor the parents who will always be held responsible by the daughter for her unhappy life.

Views expressed are the author's own.