Five Things No Married Daughter Wants To Hear From Her Mother

Married daughter-mother relationship:  This relationship in India is a complicated one. While the West has its struggles with overcoming the age difference, talking about birds and bees and understanding struggles of a younger generation that breathes technology, not air, in India, a mother-daughter relationship is plagued anxiety, duplicity, double standards and comparison.

Barring a few, most moms and daughters in our country face the struggles brought on by 180 degree shift in upbringing, lifestyle and priorities.

Ask women from any age group and they will have a list of things they wish their moms had done differently  while bringing them up. But happens when a daughter is all grown up? How does her equation change with her mother, who is no longer in charge of caring for her, although she does feel accountable for her behaviour and decisions? Having your own family to look after can change your equation with your mom for better, as you may be able to connect with her better and even understand the struggles that she had to endure while bringing you up. However, the generation gap and constant policing that married woman face from their moms can be a deal breaker.

Here are five things no married daughter wants to hear from her mom:

1. Make me proud with your behaviour in your sasural: Since the onus of raising kids in India mostly falls on moms, they have a tendency to feel responsible for them, even when they have grown up and have a family of their own. Ask any married woman and she'll tell you how her mother ask her to "behave well" after marriage, because it would actually be a display of what mumma had taught her before marriage. This instruction to "behave well" is basically dissuade a woman from taking a stand in her new household, speak her mind and refuse to adjust to the demands of her in-laws and husband, even if they seem unreasonable.

But do daughters really need o be told that? Why must a mom feel proud if her daughter silently adjusts to unreasonable demands after a marriage? Shouldn't a mother instead tell her daughter to never tolerate oppression or unreasonable demands to adjust according to her new household?

2. You have it easier: This is a complaint a lot of mothers have. They feel their daughters have it easy, with maids and various gadgets at their disposal. Doesn't that make household and parenting duties easier for her? Well first of all, these duties were never meant to rest with one partner in a marriage. So even if a woman has a dozen gadgets at her disposal, but her partner doesn't contribute to these chores on an equal footing, it is unfair. She has every right to speak up against this unfair division of labour and she expect her mom to suppot her, and not bog her down with guilt of having better technology at her disposal.

3. You are so lucky: This complement / observation is mostly dispensed in refrence to your partner, or the liberal atmosphere of your matrimonial home. He helps out around the house, your mother-in-law doesn't breather fire, and your father-in-law isn't an overgrown baby who needs everything from newspaper, tea, food to his shaving kit fetched and put in front of him. Moms often call their married daughters lucky, as a way to give themselves a pat on their back. After all, wasn't it them who found this amazing husband for you?

What moms don't understand is that even liberation is subjective. Your husband may help out by doing the dishes, but do you have an equal footing in all aspects of your marriage? If not, then any woman is far from being lucky, and needs to roll up her pants and wade through her share of marital stuggles that may seem like a cakewalk to her mom. Having it easy and having it different are two separate things, but do mom get that?

4. You need to rethink your priorities: Why? Why must any daughter, who as educated and encouraged to be career oriented by none other than her parents, have to hear this from her mother, once she has kids and a husband on her side. Instead, why can't moms encourage daughters to find partners who would never put them in a position where they would have to choose between career, home and kids? Besides, just because a woman's priorities are different from those approved by her mother, doesn't mean that she is on the wrong track in life altogether. Isn't it possible that her mother simply doesn't understand her life and aspirations properly.

5. We are not your family anymore: This is perhaps the most painful thing a mother can tell her married daughter- that her parents are no longer her family anymore. That she belongs with her in-laws, husband and children. Women shouldn't alineate themselves from their parents after marriage. They can contribute towards caring for them in old age and provide companionship too, if only parents can manage to bring down the wall they put around themselves once their daughter married, deeming her paraya dhan.

Parents will always be an integral part of a child's family, male or female, married of otherwise, nothing can severe this bond and with age, it should only grow stronger.