Connecting With Your Kids: 5 things I Told My Pre-teen Daughter

I have a pre-teen daughter and I am discovering a different side of her, a more independent side. The only way we as parents can handle this phase is by staying connected with them. If you connect now then their teenage years will be a lot easier to handle.

My preteen acts as if my guidance isn't needed, and even gives an eye-roll at times. She has started requesting for more space and privacy — do expect the bedroom door to be shut more often.

As hard as it is to swallow these changes, I try not to take them personally. They're all signs of growing independent.

The following are the five things I told my pre-teen daughter:

Make friends as they last a lifetime

This is the time when children start developing bonds outside their family, ie, beyond the parents and sibling bonds. It’s important for them to make new friends, talk and experience different things as after they enter teenage they will stick with their own kind. To know what ‘their kind’ is they need to mingle in school, after school, in playgrounds, etc. It is our duty as parents to help them mix with their own age group as they are still young to do it on their own.

We have been recently posted to a new place, I have made it a point to meet her new classmates, meet with parents, take her to birthday parties, and clubs where there is a chance of her meeting other kids her age. Especially now that people are moving out after restrictions after dur to Covid-19 pandemic have been eased.

We all grow and change differently

My daughter is 10 years old and I can see her body changing. She asks me questions regarding her changing body which I never ignore. I have explained to her that we all mature and grow differently, from the start of puberty and getting breasts to pubic hair – and everything in between!

I have told her the importance of a healthy and balanced diet as she is obsessed with being as tall as me.  I have spoken to her about hygiene and why it is important to shower regularly, clean her private parts while bathing and take care of one’s skin, to take up exercise with the goal of being healthy rather than thinner. Now is the time for parents of pre-teens to not be stuck with buying clothes age wise as all kids grow at different rates. We as parents should remember that clothes come in all shapes and sizes and that not all sizes are the same, it depends on the item of clothing and the brand. Recently, my daughter wanted a crop-top which was not available in her age section, so she chose one from the teenage section.

Suggested Reading:

Dear Parents, Your Kids Are Doing It, Whether You Like It Or Not

The period talk

This is very important talk that all parents of pre-teens should have with them. I sat down my daughter and told her what might happen one day, and that the day is not far. And that she shouldn’t be sacred as it’s a natural process. I told her that she should inform me or her class teacher, if she’s at school, when she sees any red spotting in her undergarment. I had decided when she came into my life that I will have this talk when the time comes and not hesitate. Our mothers were of a different generation who were not free with their kids, let alone speak about something like periods. Although my heart skips a beat when I think of my baby being a young woman soon but that’s a reality that we cannot ignore.

As a pre-teen’s mom I carry sanitary pads and undies with me everywhere, especially when I go on a trip, as I am scared to be caught off-guard.

Can have boundaries

Pre-teens like teenagers think they are grown-ups and can now decide for themselves. As a parent you still have to set boundaries for what they can do or not do. Your pre-teen should not feel dictated at any stage.

I ask my daughter what time she wants to return from a birthday party, or to decide what she wants to wear. I have told her the exact spot where I should find her when I go to pick her up from school. Also, she knows to what extent she wants to go as far as fun and games, time limit, food and drink choices, are concerned when I am not around.

To be truthful about what she’s watching online

Today’s kids are hooked to watching online stuff and playing games online. The two years of pandemic has made it worse. I have made it a point to keep asking her what is she watching or playing online at regular intervals. Sometimes I join in so that she doesn’t feel I am checking on her all the time.

Be aware of which games they are playing and are aware that pop-ups can lead to stuff which they shouldn’t be watching or playing. Most important they shouldn’t accept friend requests, remember not to dictate but explain what can happen if they accept a random friendship request.

Pre-teen phase is the precursor to teenage, so it’s a perfect time to gauge what to expect from your soon-to-be teenager. As a parent I believe the best way to weather them is through maintaining balance by allowing them growing room by expanding boundaries, but continue to enforce important house rules and family values.

The views expressed are the author's own.