#Sexual Health

Want To Have The Best Sex In Your Life? Then Allow Your Mind To Guide You

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Orgasm in women: What do you picture when you think of what a female orgasm looks like? If it is a mental picture of a woman screaming her head off in an over-the-top fashion, you are in the majority here. Combined with the lack of sexuality education and the heavy influence of porn in our lives, we tend to have a narrow-minded view of sex and orgasms. Most women tend to act out sex, according to what they have seen on screen, to meet the expectations of their partner. As a result, many women miss out on one of the best things sex has to offer – orgasms. Sexual pleasure is not only obstructed by physical issues but can also be negatively affected by mental blocks.

Women feel frustrated with themselves because they are not getting the experience they were promised by porn and other media. Many of us view sex through the filters that media has provided for us. People feel that if they don’t have sex in a particular way or if the experience is different than what they imagined, their sex life is inferior. Many women turn to self-help books and self-proclaimed life gurus for advice in times like these. They expect to get a clear-cut guideline on how to have the kind of sex they see on screen or read in a book. This is then followed by obsessively reading articles on the internet with uncreative headlines like “Ten Sex Tips To Rock Your World” or something similar.

When we take these materials at face value, we are letting someone else’s point of view be imposed on us. Our mind has a role in our experience of sexual pleasure. When we go into a sexual encounter with preconceived notions filling our minds, we do not leave space for learning or experiencing something new. These rigid views prevent us from exploring and experimenting. This external stimulus stops us from answering the question that was always ours to answer and nobody else’s. We need to realise that there is no single script to reaching sexual bliss. These resources are limited and cater to very few people. If you truly want to know all that sex has to offer, look within yourself. You need to reframe and reorient your understanding of sexual pleasure.

If you want to remove the mental blocks that are preventing you from having the best sex of your life, you need to listen to yourself. Allow your mind to guide you. Get in touch with your hidden sensual self and ask her about how she defines pleasure instead of listening to a random blog on the internet. It could be a light caress on the cheek, a gentle squeeze on the shoulder, holding hands and so on. Not many of us know that desire is often simplistic!

No one knows you like yourself, and no one ever will. You need to let go of your all-or-nothing approach towards sex. Instead of being disappointed that you didn’t have the porn- like screaming climax, try to soak yourself in the feeling of being attuned to what your body wants and not what it is “supposed” to want.

Sexual pleasure is so much more than the in and out motion between a vagina and a penis. Some women respond better to oral/ manual clitoral stimulation than intercourse. Some women like to have their necks kissed while some don’t. Break down the rigid walls of sexual shame you have built around yourself to unearth your sensuality and forgotten desires. Take it slow and have patience as you learn. Instead of getting hung up on the fireballs that were falsely promised to you, try to ignite the embers that would soon grow into a glorious fire. When you shed your expectation and open yourself up to experience, you will have a sex life that puts porn to shame.

Pallavi Barnwal is a certified sexuality coach and founder of a sex-positive platform Get Intimacy. She has been featured as a sexpert in publications such as Huffington Post, India Today, Vogue, The Hindu, Dainik Bhaskar, Indian Express, Times Of India, BBC, Deccan Chronicle, Femina and more. She specialises in helping people gain courage to talk openly about sex and relationships and equipping them with actionable tips and skills so they can start having more pleasure both inside and outside their bedroom. The views expressed are the author’s own.