Confessions Of A Former 'Pick Me' Girl: It's Time We Stop Competing With Women

I think most of us remember growing up feeling as though being told "You're not like other girls" was the greatest form of compliment we could be given. Indeed, it felt as though being different and being told we're “not like other girls” automatically made us special. What we didn’t notice or want to admit to noticing is that being told other girls were worse or different in some less-than-desirable ways is somehow a wonderful thing.

It is very often here that the 'pick me' mentality starts, not in insecurity, but in cultural conditioning. A 'pick me' girl is not by definition someone who hates women, but rather someone who has realised that validation is, in fact, limited and even competitive in nature.

The 'pick me' girl attempts to make herself stand out by saying something like, "I don't wear makeup," "I play sports," or "I don't really get along with other girls." These are not bad things in and of themselves, but the issue is when one attempts to use such statements to elevate oneself above other females.

Quite simply, the 'pick me' state of mind is about desiring to be picked or chosen, to be chosen as being different, as being easier, as being cooler, or as being more acceptable, especially to the male gaze. Truthfully, most of us are guilty of being 'pick me' girls as teens.

How Society Teaches Girls to Compete, Not Connect

Girls in movies, schools, and social media are often depicted competing with others for attention, affection, or validation.

Female friendships are depicted in either dramatic or unreliable ways, while male approval is depicted positively. Hence, girls have also started believing that it is better to form bonds with boys than with girls. That conditioning may explain why we tend to think of other women as rivals.

The emotional cost of always wanting to be chosen

At first, being a "pick me" feels great. You feel low-maintenance, agreeable, and liked. It’s exhausting after a while. You slowly silence your discomfort, laugh at the jokes that make you uncomfortable, and shrink your needs so you don’t seem “too much.”

However, it gradually dawns on one that acceptance earned by compromising oneself does not feel like secure acceptance. The validation is temporary, and the cost is your authenticity.

The Shift: Questioning the Need for Validation

For many women, the process begins with a moment of awareness, where “you start to wonder why men’s attention means so much to you.”

A woman may “see how women so often get blamed, dismissed, or misunderstood, and wonder to what extent she may have done her part to perpetuate this narrative, unknowingly or otherwise.”

Not being in a 'pick me' mindset doesn't mean you hate men or that you're angry. It means you know you deserve better than to be 'picked.'

Redefining Confidence: Beyond Attention

True confidence is realised when attention is no longer the point. Instead, you start valuing respect more than approval, peace more than performance, and permitting yourself to establish boundaries, express emotions, and be without having to consistently prove that you are “different” and “better.”

You realise that confidence does not necessarily mean being liked by most people, but rather being comfortable with oneself.

Becoming a Girls' Girl

A 'girls' girl' is not necessarily someone who is going to blindly follow women. She’s somebody who is going to approach women with empathy instead of judging them.

A 'girls' girl' is going to realise that another woman’s beauty, or her success, or her confidence, does not threaten her own. To be a 'girls' girl' is to stand up for women despite there being neither benefit nor praise nor audience for it.

Why Female Solidarity Matters

And when women stop competing and start supporting, well, something powerful can happen. Conversations become safer. Experiences are validated. Growth becomes less lonely and collective. Solidarity challenges the idea that women must fight for limited space or attention.

It's this choosing solidarity that is the quiet resistance against a culture that benefits so greatly from women being divided.

Forgiving Your Past Self

There is a lot of growth that needs to take place in the form of forgiveness. Many women needed to, in some form, identify with the 'pick me' crew to survive in a world that inherently demands appeal to other people.

It is not to say that these women necessarily have bad qualities, but it is to say that they, like all humans, have these qualities. It is not about shame, but about awareness and change.

Choosing Self-Worth and Sisterhood

It does not happen overnight because the path from 'pick me' to 'girls' girl' status is a gradual and introspective process that is unique to each woman. It involves becoming comfortable with having self-worth beyond validation and connection beyond comparison.

You do not have to be different from other girls in order to be valuable. Being a girl is not something you should strive to rise above; it is something you should find pride in being a part of.

Views expressed by the author are their own.