Does Childhood Sexual Abuse Linger In Intimate Relationships?

How many of us felt a shiver across our spines when Imaad, from Kho Gaye Hum Kahan, narrated his Childhood Sexual Abuse (CSA) story? “Isse pehle ki main samjh paata ki mere saath kya ho raha hai, ye dubaara hua, ek aur baar, ek aur raat, aur zyada chocolates, aur dekhte hi dekhte wrappers jama hone lage."

While Imaad may be a fictional character, written by Zoya Akhtar, there is one Imaad in 9 girls and 20 boys who experience sexual abuse or assault in some form. 28.9% of children have experienced abuse in India. In the movie, Imaad illustrates what trauma does to you.

As Bessel van der Kolk explains in his book The Body Keeps the Score, “Trauma is much more than a story about something that happened long ago. The emotions and physical sensations that were imprinted during the trauma are experienced not as memories but as destructive physical reactions in the present.”

Given that trauma is stored in the body and mind, it’s only plausible that CSA will impact intimacy as an adult. The etiology of sexual dysfunction is multifaceted and poorly understood. Sexual functioning is defined by prior sexual development, and instances of early sexual abuse are often associated with greater sexual risks and sexual dysfunction. Thus, a cycle of continued victimization is a byproduct. 

The Body Keeps Score

Contemporary notions and visuals of sexual and emotional intimacy aren’t a universal reflection. Trauma lives and relives through body memories, affecting the most intimate of decisions. For some, it leads to the development of insecure attachment patterns, poor emotion regulation strategies, multiple risk behaviors, and compulsive sexual behavior. For others, especially those who have experienced other physiological responses to the abuse, they feel their body has betrayed them, thereby creating an atmosphere of distrust and further complicating relationships with intimacy. Some find themselves engaging in frequent one-night stands and hook-ups, romanticising it as the life of Veronica from Cocktail with an attempt that the runny mascaras will blur the scars that their eyes have seen. There are also a few who stop engaging in sexual activities altogether.

Sexual Shame & Anxiety

The common feelings among CSA survivors are sexual anxiety and sexual shame, which shape their sexual self-concept. Sexual satisfaction arises from intimate safety, the prerequisite for which is mutual trust. However, mutual trust is oftentimes impaired for the survivors, who have either been betrayed by an uncle, a business partner for chocolates, a neighbor, or worse, their bodies. The shame is particularly aggravated by those who find themselves indulging in compulsive sexual behaviour or one-night stands. Society, if anything, makes it a point to stigmatize and poke the wounded and the scarred. It is sometimes defined as taking “control of sexuality,” when it is more often a manifestation of untreated trauma or abuse.

Abuse and trauma can’t have a universal template designed for response. However, what is universally true is that CSA is accompanied by sexual shame and sexual anxiety that impede the ability to form intimate relationships. The scars on bodies blur memories, in the name of kindness, so that life can continue to go on. But the body keeps score, and one trembling touch can sometimes evoke a shivering response that re-ignites the days and nights when it was violated. But the same body might find itself comfortable with touch at other times. There is no blueprint. There is no guidebook. This, along with society’s prejudiced notion of sexuality, complicates the survivors' journey to navigate issues of intimacy. The journey is overwhelming. 

It’s important to understand that wounds heal and scars are left behind. It will be a frustrating and tiring journey, one that you have to discover. What is important to note is that the past wasn’t your journey; the present is, and you can traverse on whatever path you like. Define and redefine. Walk or run.

Views expressed are the author's own.