Raising Stars: Mahima Chowdhary On Being An 'Extra-Committed' Parent

Raising Stars: The Challenges and Joys of Being a Bollywood Parent is a captivating journey into the world of parenthood as experienced by some of Bollywood's stars. Author Rashmi Uchil delves deep into these stars' personal stories and cherished practices, inviting you to step inside their homes and hearts. From the joys of raising their children to the unique challenges they face in the spotlight; this book unveils it all.

Some of the interesting chapters are wherein Javed Akhtar talks about "secular parenting practices that are not guided by religious or spiritual beliefs", Chunky Panday opening up about raising daughters, Jackie Shroff on his prioritisation of family and children while doing numerous work shifts, Salome Roy Kapur (mother of Siddharth, Aditya and Kunal Roy Kapur) on raising feminist sons, and so on.  

Here's an excerpt from Mahima Chowdhary's MY LIFE, MY KID

Working moms do have to juggle between their work commitments and the home front. I am into events and travel 20 days a month. There have been times when I could not attend PTM at the school. Once I wasn’t there to see what Aryana had done throughout the semester, but my friend stepped in and took over. My daughter did tell me that all the other moms were present, but I wasn’t there. I told her, “That is fine.” 

When I was 4 years old, I was put in boarding school. I was away from my parents for nine months a year. I have a sister and a brother. All three of us were at boarding school and my parents had to take care of that financially. We had an annual school concert, and I would always participate in the play. My parents could not make it to the concert many times. It was not financially feasible for them to fly and come down to the boarding school three times a year. Air travel then was a very different scene. Nowadays, you can just hop on a flight without thinking twice. My boarding was in Darjeeling and at times my parents were posted in Assam. I felt a sense of loss at those times, but eventually, I accepted it. I understood that my parents could not be there for me all the time. I made peace with them for not attending the annual concert. 

My daughter knows she has an extra-committed forgetful mother. I explain everything to my daughter. I tell her I cannot make it to school as I have such-n-such commitment and instead of feeling bad, she tells me, “It’s okay, mama. You go. There is no need to stay back.” Children should learn that they will not have the luxury of their parents being there for them all the time. Children should learn to deal with disappointments in life. It’s an integral part of growing up. I’m not constantly around to keep a check on the child, but my parents are at home. That’s a blessing. I travel with a sense of comfort.

When we were growing up, kids were not spoken to with respect. Teachers and figures of authority spoke to us in a very derogatory way—“Stand up on the chair. Get out of the class.” I have been beaten and caned at boarding school. Thank goodness, none of that happens now. No one is allowed to beat the child. Even if the child is talking in class, the teacher politely explains, “You are disturbing the class.” Today’s kids are a lot less likely to have bottled-up emotions of anger, as they are less likely to get humiliated in class like we were. Earlier if the teacher asked a kid, “What is 2 + 2?” and the kid said 5 instead of 4, it was very easy for the teacher to call him stupid, an idiot, or make a laughing stock of him in front of everyone. It is much nicer today. I wish I had gone to school during these times. I would have blossomed more, become more confident, ask more questions, and been less afraid.

I was a very good student and did well in academics. I was a diligent kid who participated in all extracurricular activities at school. I was the middle child of three siblings. I knew I had to shine to get noticed. I knew I had to do it under my own steam and stand out in the crowd. My sister is 11 months older to me. So all the clothes and shoes I wore were her hand-me-downs. My sister got new clothes. My brother got new clothes. I was the only one who did not get new clothes. If it were a special occasion like Diwali, I got new stuff else I always wore hand-me-downs. I tell my daughter, “Do not complain. You have a lot more than I did at your age. Think, can’t you do without this thing?” That keeps her grounded. Mobile phones are not allowed in school. When she goes out to play, I give her a mobile, but that is more for security reasons.

Today, there isn’t too much unhealthy competition. The ranking system is gone. There is no “I stood first, second, or third in class.” Children get their grades. No one makes a big deal about it. I tell my daughter that it does not matter if she gets a B grade. I always tell her, “Not everyone can be an Einstein.” There is competition in sports—like say, during a relay race. During the school’s sports day, they have different teams like A, B, C, and D that compete against each other. Later on, children represent their school and compete with other schools. That is healthy competition. The important thing is that she loves going to school. She will not miss a single day. Even if she is sick, she wants to go to school, but I do not let her. I tell her, “If you go to school, the other kids may fall sick too.”

My daughter returns from school by 5.30–6.00 p.m. on weekdays. Kids are dog-tired by the time they come home. If they have to go to a birthday party, it is usually on the weekend. Screen time is only on weekends. I read something brilliant somewhere—Give your kids the iPad, but do not give them the charger. Just don’t give it to them. When I ask my daughter to stop playing on the iPad, she will always beg, “One minute, mama. Let me win the game,” but when the battery is draining she will herself say, “It’s got just 1% charge remaining. Take it back. It’s blinking.”

Kids have started using cuss words liberally these days, and that’s because they hear them more often. They have so much exposure—the movies, the Internet. We did not grow up listening to our parents swear, but so many people of our generation use the four-letter word all the time. My friends say, “What the f . . . ” or “Hell man” in exasperation or during a conversation, not realizing what they are saying. At times, I’m washing my hands, and I’ve kept the phone on speaker, and my daughter hears it. It does not occur to adults that there are kids in the room and they should watch what they are saying. My daughter corrects them. She says, “You just used the F-word aunty.” The adult is then stumped, taken aback, and sheepishly mutters “Sorry”. I’m sure they do it unknowingly. You pick up bad words first. In any language that you speak, the first thing you learn in that language is how to say “I love you” or how to use cuss words. That’s just the way it is.

Excerpted with permission from Raising Stars: The Joys And Challenges of Being A Bollywood Parent, Rashmi Uchil, published by Fingerprint Publishing