Divorce Is Normal: Overcoming Social Stigma Around Unhappy Marriages

'Divorce Is Normal' is an invaluable companion for anyone contemplating separation and divorce. Through my own story, I bring to readers fresh insights on unhappy marriages and divorce in the Indian context, helping readers expand their perspectives to overcome societal stigma and accept a brighter future.

The Divorcee Tag

Now, let’s come to the word ‘divorcee’. That’s quite a tag. I find this extremely problematic for many reasons. Society has reached a point where you’re permanently marked if you make the godforsaken choice of walking out of a marriage that didn’t work for you. You’re stamped and branded, whether you like it or not. Think about this and think about it profoundly.

‘Divorcee’ defines you by your past, whereas ‘married’ or ‘single’ defines your present. Present status is acceptable, why, even understandable, but why does my identity need to be tied to the past? Yes, I got a divorce. But I don’t need it to be a part of me as I continue with so many other avenues of life. When I’m single, I’m referred to as single, not what I’m not. Define me by my current status, not by my past.

The stigma associated with a divorce runs so deep that we’re called divorcees so we never forget that we made a choice society doesn’t approve of, even if it’s entirely legal to do so. It’s placed in congruence to who you are, who you want to become and what you want to do. From government forms to visa applications and so much more, this branding continues. I urge you, my fellow readers, if you’re divorced, to call this out when it isn’t necessary. To question others when they call you a divorcee. To stand up for being addressed by your current status.

I refuse with every atom of my body to be called a divorcee.

Accepting a Divorce

I was merely twenty-seven, and none of my friends seemed to be going through anything remotely close to this. I felt isolated. I’d dive into self-pity sometimes and wonder if others looked at my plight and felt relieved that it wasn’t them. I almost felt ashamed that a decision I took with so much pride and joy came to such an unexpected conclusion. I felt like a failure, having wasted most of my precious twenties.

Someone casually mentioned to me, ‘What’s the big deal? It’s just like a break-up. Get over it!’ I didn’t know how to react then, and the more I thought about it, the more incensed I became. How is it the same?

There is no refuting that break-ups can hurt and cause immense trauma, but divorce is a whole different ball game. A marriage brings two entire families into the picture. A truckload of opinions, emotions and baggage come along with it, making this a highly complex process to go through. The couple, apart from facing their own pain, also ends up dealing with the hurt those around them are going through. I’ve experienced and seen enough break-ups around me to know for sure it is not the same. No offence to the person who said this to me; it was well-intentioned. But the difference became apparent to me only when I started to dig deeper. A break-up is the beginning of a divorce, but it doesn’t end there.

So many thoughts are swirling around in my head as I try to slowly make sense of it. Like tangled earphones just pulled out of a jeans pocket. It was frustrating to untangle but had to be done. For there is good music at the end of the chore.

Let’s go plunging into the past once again. The two months to February 2018 seemed to be closing in on me rather fast. I was struggling, trying to come to terms with the impending doom. One day, after several months, I decided to open Twitter. I wasn’t even sure why. But here’s where I’m convinced the universe was looking out for me. In the first couple of tweets I read, there was one that said something along the lines of how a divorce was the best thing that happened to her. I was astounded. How was this the first thing I saw when I opened this app after a long break? I stared at it for a few seconds in disbelief. Instinctively, I DM-ed her asking for help.

The incredibly kind, beautiful person she is, Sarita immediately responded. She was more than willing to help me out. ‘I’d love to meet you for coffee, but I live really far away. In Navi Mumbai.’

The above is an excerpt from the book Divorce Is Normal, written by Shasvathi Siva, and published by Penguin India.

Suggested reading: In Yet Another Divorce Story, We Jump To Call The Woman 'Bad Mom'