Making Of An Indian Wife: Women & The Pressure To Perform Domestically

In every Indian home, the girls are either gently prodded toward the task of setting the dinner table or reminded of their future responsibilities. They might be asked to help in the kitchen while the male cousins talk freely, serve the rotis, or listen to family members say things like "yeh toh shaadi ke baad sab sambhal legi." Does the story sound familiar?

Instead of raising their daughters, Indian parents prepare them for a home that may or may not be theirs. And more often than not, this results in a silent, nagging fear: Am I "wife material"? More significantly, am I even interested in becoming a wife?

The Making of 'Wife Material'

Indian women are taught from an early age that their worth is dependent on their capacity to fulfil the roles of domesticity and femininity.

She needs to be kind, understanding, skilled in the kitchen, considerate of elders, and, ideally, attractive in a "simple" sense. In addition to being devoted and affectionate, the ideal Indian wife should also be emotionally stable, low-maintenance, and adept at running the home. This grooming is highly gendered social engineering, not just cultural.

Even the most well-meaning parents may say things like, "Beta, seekh lo, sasural mein kaam aayega" (learn this, it will help you in your in-laws' house).

The idea that a girl's true test lies not in her degrees or dreams but rather in her ability to adjust to a new home, new expectations, and a new life is ingrained in her by these insignificant remarks that are repeated over time.

This grooming turns into a performance, and it doesn't always reflect her true self.

Performing Domesticity: The New-Age Pressure

Many urban women in post-liberalised India are well-educated, aspirational, and self-sufficient financially. However, they are still expected to bear the same old burden of being prepared for marriage in every way.

Even though the workplace has changed, she is still required in the kitchen. She thus learns to strike a balance between using spreadsheets during the day and sabzi at night.

Furthermore, this act of juggling is frequently motivated by fear rather than joy or love—of rejection, condemnation, or worse, being called "not sanskaari enough."

This anxiety has been exacerbated by modern dating. Men's families continue to inquire, "Can she cook?" in arranged or "semi-arranged" marriage arrangements (the type that takes place on matrimonial apps).

Will she remain with her in-laws? Is she adaptable when it comes to moving? Additionally, the pressure subtly endures even in love marriages.

Women internalise the need to demonstrate that they are "wife material," which is a bizarre list of qualities like patience, emotional openness, beauty, and homemaking abilities.

Even now, a lot of Indian women tidy up their social media accounts before speaking with the relatives of a prospective groom. They emphasise their "family-loving" side, tone down their political opinions, and remove bikini photos.

Not because they lack those attributes, but rather because their eligibility may be jeopardised if they are overly independent, assertive, or opinionated. After all, many still view domesticity as the pinnacle of femininity.

The Psychological Toll

This ongoing adjustment leads to severe, frequently silent anxiety. Modifying one's personality, interests, and goals in order to seem "appropriate" is like walking on eggshells.

Women start asking themselves, "Am I too loud?" Too focused on your career? Not cosy enough?

This anxiety eventually turns into self-doubt. A woman who once aspired to write a book might now write grocery lists instead.

A person who had aspirations of travelling the world might be made to feel bad for not making "settling down" a priority.

The saddest aspect is probably that many women are unaware that they are performing because they have been doing it for so long that it comes naturally to them.

Experts in mental health have started to recognise this pressure as a distinct type of identity conflict. Women are encouraged to have two selves: one that is submissive, obedient, and oriented toward the home, and another that is progressive, strong, and educated.

Cognitive dissonance brought on by the separation between these selves frequently results in burnout, anxiety disorders, and depressive episodes.

Mothers-In-Law and Millennial Wives: The Inherited Cycle

It's not always men who force women to be "wife material." Mothers and mothers-in-law are frequently the older women who most vehemently perpetuate it. They now act as its gatekeepers after surviving the same expectations.

An aunt might remark, "You girls have it easy these days," adding, "After marriage, I had to get up at five in the morning and prepare breakfast for the entire family."

This comparison turns into a gauge of a woman's value rather than a criticism of oppressive conventions. Is she truly trying if she isn't going through the same pains?

Within households, this generational policing creates quiet conflicts between freedom and acceptance, as well as between contemporary ideals and conventional expectations.

And at the heart of it all is a woman trying to please everyone, while slowly losing pieces of herself.

Social Media and the Myth of Effortless Perfection

This pressure has been exacerbated by platforms such as Instagram. Now, there are aesthetics associated with being "wife material."

Cooking is not enough; you also need to prepare visually appealing meals that use hashtags like #WifeDiaries or #HomeChef.

The ideal Indian wife of today should be picture-perfect, juggling work, home, and a child with ease while maintaining a camera-ready appearance.

It's aspirational and carefully curated domesticity through soft filters. These days, modern ideals as well as traditional roles cause anxiety.

Women are constantly observing one another and being observed. The reel of one woman serves as a reminder of inadequacy for another.

Real vulnerability, messiness, and the freedom to just not be good at everything are lost in this perfectionist cycle.  

Choosing Self over Performance

In actuality, not all women are eager to get up at six in the morning and prepare chai for the whole family. Not all women enjoy cooking three meals a day or folding laundry. And that's a fact, not a weakness.

Being "wife material" shouldn't be determined by how well a person satisfies an antiquated, patriarchal checklist.

Mutual respect, emotional compatibility, and shared values should be the main topics. Regretfully, that cultural change is still a long way off.

However, there is still hope. Indian women are increasingly selecting partners who do not see marriage as a gendered agreement.

Through therapy, writing, art, and discussions with one another, they are challenging these pressures. They are publicly refusing to be evaluated based on their performance. 

Some women are choosing not to get married at all, not because they are resentful. While others are getting married according to their own terms, which include retaining their last name, relocating to a neutral residence, and recognising emotional labour as a reciprocal process.

Furthermore, the notion of what it means to be a "good wife" is gradually changing from being a caregiver to being a co-creator of the partnership.

Beyond the Label

The term "wife material" can occasionally seem informal, even comical. However, it symbolises a whole system of expectations for Indian women, some of which are subtle and others of which are oppressive.

It makes people anxious about being continuously measured rather than about their incapacity.

The question of whether the institution itself is deserving of the women it seeks should take precedence over women having to prove themselves worthy of being wives.

Until then, we owe every woman the freedom to choose her own definition of domesticity, love, and home—without shame, without criticism, and most importantly, without performance.

Authored by Samriti Dhatwalia | Views expressed by the author are their own.