The act of putting the pen to paper has always been my saviour. It is the reason why I am on good terms with friends and family. Conditioned by surroundings and circumstances to always toe the lakshman rekha, the Shoorpannaka in me could only find expression in the written word. I wrote on whatever was available on hand; pieces of paper, notebooks, diaries and journals, all my thoughts and feelings, doubts and questions, came pouring out on paper. I zealously collected these in the hope that one day I would have the courage to reveal my true self. For a long time, I also guarded these little pieces of verity with my life because revealing them may have led me down the same path as my alter ego.

For a long time, I also guarded these little pieces of verity with my life because revealing them may have led me down the same path as my alter ego.

I write when there are things I want to say and I cannot. I write when there are words knocking around in my head waiting to be heard but no one to hear them. I write when my heart overflows with love for my children as I watch them sleep. I write when my children become little hellions and I want to lash out in anger with words that I know I do not mean. I write when my husband seems too busy to be interested in my daily life. I write to make sense of emotions that at times seem confusing. In the words of Flannery O’Connor “I write because I don’t know what I think until I read what I say.”

The paper on which I write is the only place I have the power over my own story. It is the only time I cannot be interrupted.

I confess that my motives for writing are very selfish. I have no vision of a better world or of educating or informing the masses or of passing on any pearls of wisdom to posterity. I write because it is the only way I can truly express myself. The paper on which I write is the only place I have the power over my own story. It is the only time I cannot be interrupted. It is the only way I can stay true to myself, the place where I can be sure only my version matters.

Kavita Bhashyam Jain is a homemaker and mother of two girls. After trying out her hand at various she finally got back to writing, her first love. Her work was published in an anthology called Escape Velocity, by Write & Beyond in 2018.

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